posted by Joanna .
Please Help Me Revise My Essay:
An unknown author once said, “A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others.” Of all the teachers I have had throughout my educational history there is only one that stands out the most: My Human Services Academy teacher, Jill Gregory. I remember the first time I saw her, she was wearing bright red cowboy boots, jean shorts, a khaki shirt, and she had in her hair two red bows. I thought to myself, “this must be a joke, does she really dress like that on a day-to-day basis?” Mrs Gregory was in her late forty’s and for someone to dress like this at that age seemed so immature, strange, and just awkward. I did not take her or her class seriously, but I was soon to find out that my first impression of Mrs Gregory was completely wrong. Over the next four years of high school I learned and gained so much from being in the Human Services Academy. I was able to do internships, job shadowing, and community service- all of which helped me decide what I wanted to do with my life.
The Human Services Academy helped me out so much; this class was able to provide me with experience in the area of child development. We learned about safe sex, nutrition, nutrition and sports, sexually transmitted diseases, dental care, first aid, teen pregnancy, physical, mental, and verbal abuse, and how to make power points and resumes. Being in the Human Services Academy had many privileges; I was able to have the same classes with the same people for four years. Now this must seem like a negative thing for other people, but my classmates and I had a strong bond. Mrs Gregory helped us with scholarships, applying for colleges, and making resumes. Everyone knows that when you are applying to a job or college it always looks good when you can put down that you have done community service and this was the whole focus point of the Human Services Academy.
Learning about teen pregnancy was a challenging but rewarding experience. In Mrs Gregory’s class we were to take a fake baby home for the weekend that was programmed to cry every three to four hours. I thought it was going to be such a simple task because all we had to do was insert a key into the baby’s back when it started crying; little did I know I was completely wrong. That day when my mom came to pick me up from school I was already completely out of breath from just carrying the car seat down the hill to meet her by the tennis courts. On the way to my house, the baby started crying and my mom had to pull over so I could jump in the back seat and insert the key into the baby’s back. That night was the worst, I remember setting my pillows and blanket up on the couch and the baby right next to me because I was afraid I would not here it cry and get points deducted. To make the story short- after only three days of having a fake baby I got sick from the lack of sleep and I stayed home for two days to recuperate.
The internships that I was able to do while in the Human Services Academy really helped me decide what it was that I wanted to do with my life. I did two internships, my first internship was as a teacher aide for fourth graders and I was more of a friend than a role model to these children. My second internship was as a teacher aide for second graders. During this six month period at both of these internships I was able to do a daily lesson plan, an arts and crafts project, grade papers, and interact with the children. Now the age gap between a fourth grader and a second grader isn’t that much, but it was for me. While doing both of these internships I realized that I work better with younger children than with older children. I am so thankful for that experience because I also realized that I wanted to become a teacher, but not just any teacher an English teacher.
Mrs Gregory was not only a great motivator for me, but for all of my other classmates, she would constantly remind us of upcoming community service events and tell us “This will look good on a job application and when you apply to college.” She always pushed us to go above and beyond our expectations. Many of my classmates were able to get into really good universities and even got scholarships. What the Human Services Academy did for me was give the necessary tools I needed to get into Cal State Northridge. It also provided me with a great group of friends that I still talk to up to this day and every time I apply for a job employers see all the community service, job shadowing, and internships that I was able to do and I am more likely to get the job because “it looks good” to have those kind of things on your resume. I leave you with a funny quote by yet another anonymous author, “If you can read this, thank a teacher.”
Here are the main things you need to take care of in this paper:
1. Use commas in the right places; delete commas from the wrong places:
2. Fix all run-ons (that is, put a period or other appropriate end punctuation at the end of each sentence; commas are not appropriate end punctuation for sentences).
3. Double-check for correct word choice; for example, when you are referring to a person use "who" or one of its forms, not "that" or "which."
4. Get rid of wordy and repetitive phrases, clauses, and sentences.
Also, please go over your paper with these ideas in mind. Thanks to PsyDAG for the following:
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
[You can also either read it aloud to someone else or have someone else read it aloud to you! (The latter works really well!)]
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other persons are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
And here are a couple of really good websites that will help, too.
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