I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasn't sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!
ASSIGNMENT:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.
Revised paragraph from March 21, 2012
What do you think?
Ten years’ experience as manager at Creative Curl Beauty Salon was phenomenal experiences in Accounting/Office Administration. The enjoyment of these experiences led to applying on the Accounting/Office Administration position your company; Dexter Mining. With experience of accounting and enjoyment of working with people, I would be an asset to your company. The responsibilities of salon manager led to a turning point in my career. The duties as salon manager include; managing payroll and Harmonized Sales Tax remittance, balancing daily sales, ordering supplies, and arranging travel for staff to attend workshops. Over the course of being the salon manager, and working with the accountant, the love for working with numbers, and direct public grew. To ensure I was performing the manager responsibilities and accurately, I presented the salon accountant with weekly journals. After several meetings and providing requested information, the accountant graciously suggested I pursue a career in Accounting/Office Administration. With a background in salon management, taking the advice of the accountant is a step forward for my career.
Ten years’ experience as manager at Creative Curl Beauty Salon have given me phenomenal experiences in accounting and office administration. The enjoyment of these experiences led to my applying for the Accounting/Office Administration position your company, Dexter Mining. With my experience in accounting and my enjoyment in working with people, I would be an asset to your company. The responsibilities of salon manager led to a turning point in my career. The duties as salon manager include managing payroll and Harmonized Sales Tax remittance, balancing daily sales, ordering supplies, and arranging travel for staff to attend workshops. While serving as salon manager and working with the accountant, my love for working with numbers and the direct public grew. To ensure I was performing the manager's responsibilities ____ and accurately, I presented the salon accountant with weekly journals. After several meetings during which I provided the requested information, the accountant graciously suggested I pursue a career in accounting and office administration. With a background in salon management, taking the advice of the accountant is a step forward in my career.
Compare carefully to catch all the changes I made. There also needs to be another adverb where I put a blank line.
Sorry ... this is how that first line should read:
Ten years’ experience as manager at Creative Curl Beauty Salon has given me ...
Writeacher, other than those changes you have made, is the rest of the paragraph ok?
Yes, the content is excellent. I was mostly dealing with details!!
Ok thanks a million...
are all sentences worded properly, and even flow from one to the other?
The paragraph you wrote seems to address the assignment prompt and provides some information about your experience and how it inspired you to apply for the position. However, there are a few areas that could be improved to make the paragraph more effective.
First, let's address the organization and structure of the paragraph. It's important to start with a clear topic sentence that states the position you are applying for and the reason for wanting to be hired based on your inspiring experience. In your revised paragraph, the topic sentence could be rephrased to something like this: "Having gained ten years' experience as a manager at Creative Curl Beauty Salon, I am excited to apply for the Accounting/Office Administration position at Dexter Mining, as it aligns with my passion for accounting and working with people."
Next, it's important to provide specific details about your experience and explain how it inspired you. Rather than simply stating that the salon manager responsibilities led to a turning point in your career, provide specific examples of tasks you handled, challenges you overcame, and accomplishments you achieved. This will make your paragraph more engaging and show the potential employer that you have the necessary skills and experience for the position.
Additionally, try to use clear and varied sentences that contain concrete words and transitions to create a logical flow. This will make the paragraph more cohesive and easier to read. Instead of listing the duties of a salon manager in one sentence, consider breaking them down into separate sentences and expanding on each one. For example: "As the salon manager, I was responsible for managing payroll and Harmonized Sales Tax remittance, ensuring the accuracy of daily sales records, ordering supplies, and coordinating staff travel for workshops."
Finally, while you want to convey enthusiasm in your paragraph, it's important to maintain a somewhat formal tone since you're writing for a potential employer. Balance your enthusiasm with professionalism to create a strong impression.
By incorporating these suggestions and further refining your paragraph, you can ensure that it effectively addresses the assignment prompt and showcases your qualifications and enthusiasm for the position. Good luck with your writing assignment!