English

Can someone help me with the intro of my essay. my teacher says I have to get rid of the YOUs in my essay but what can I replace it with.thanks

Being the first in the family to attend college is not so easy. There is no one at home to help you and to guide you .You do not always get the support you need there are always people, that doubt you. The people that do believe in you put a tremendous amount of pressure on you because you are the first one to graduate. That is my case. My mother pressures me to go to college while my father doubts I can go to college.

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  1. One of the problems with your introduction is that you are switching from second person (you) to first person (I). If you are allowed to refer to yourself in your essay, then just change the you's to me's. Write everything in first person. For example, "There was no one at home to help me and to guide me."

    If you want to revise the paragraph with that information, then I'll be glad to look over it.

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  2. thanks can you check it now
    Being the first in my family to attend college is not so easy. There has never been anyone at home to help or to guide me .I did not always get the support I needed, there was and is people, that doubt me. My mother put a tremendous amount pressures me to go to college while my father doubts I can go to college.

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  3. Thanks
    Being the first in my family to attend college is not so easy. There has never been anyone at home to help or to guide me .I did not always get the support I needed, there was and is people, that doubt me. My mother put a tremendous amount pressures me to go to college while my father doubts I can go to college.

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  4. The first two sentences are good. I would change the others just a little bit like this...

    I did not always get the support I needed, as there were and still are people that doubt me. My mother put a tremendous amount of pressure on me to go to college, while my father doubted I could go to college.

    The end of the last sentence could be better. You may want to include why your father doubted you, like "doubted I had the intelligence to go to college" or something.

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