Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for which you might want to apply
at a particular business or organization in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your paragraph and enable you
to write a polished paragraph.
Here is my paragraph.
When I came upon the advertisement listed on the Indeed website; the words Checkpoint Manager grasped my attention. I have always been intrigued by the airport security and how the screening services work to help people travel safely. I understand in this position, you must have the ability to ensure the smooth delivery of airport screening operations as well as effective leadership and management skills. A few years ago, my husband and I took our children on our first family vacation. Our children were very nervous to go through the security checkpoint, in fact our youngest cried the entire time. In short, I thoroughly remember the checkpoint manager helped us by putting us in a shorter line in hopes of the process going faster. Mrs. Blanche, was professional and proactive; which are all goals I strive for. Mrs. Blanche was also quick to recognize I had oversize liquids in my carry-on luggage; in which we could take care of before the screening commenced. The team of screening officers communicated very well with our children; comforting them. Mrs. Blanche, is who inspired me to enter into this field of work, because of her hard work and caring nature for each passenger. She has made me want to think proactively, but run an effective operation. I believe I would be able to lead by example while following guidelines and procedures. I believe I am qualified, because I have the determination to work hard, the compassion needed while assisting passengers, and the ability to work well under pressure in a team oriented environment. The staff at the YYC Checkpoint have inspired me to seek a career as a Checkpoint Manager.
Do you realize how many times you used "I" in this paragraph?
I suggest you rewrite this emphasizing the employer's needs and how you fit into his/her requirements.
Paragraph 1
When visiting the advertisement listed on the Indeed website; the words Checkpoint Manager grasped my attention. Airport security has always been intriguing with how the screening services are controlled to help people travel safely. With the understanding that the Checkpoint Manager must ensure the smooth delivery of airport screening operations as well as effective leadership and management skills a true focus. A few years ago, my family took our children on our first family vacation. Our children were very nervous to go through the security checkpoint, in fact the youngest cried the entire time. My memory recalls the checkpoint manager helping us by putting our family in a shorter line in hopes of the process going faster. Mrs. Blanche labelled as the Checkpoint Manager, was professional and proactive; which are all goals I strive for in my future career. Mrs. Blanche was also quick to recognize I had oversize liquids in my carry-on luggage; in which we could take care of before the screening commenced. The team of screening officers communicated very well with our children; comforting them. Mrs. Blanche, is who inspired me to enter into this field of work, because of her hard work, caring nature for each passenger and ability to make an experience more positive. She has made me want to think proactively, but run an effective operation. I believe I would be able to lead by example while following guidelines and procedures. My qualifications represent my capabilities for the position; I have the determination to work hard, the compassion needed while assisting passengers, and the ability to work well under pressure in a team oriented environment. The staff at the YYC Checkpoint have inspired me to seek a career as a Checkpoint Manager.
I tried to eliminate the i's in the paragraph by rephrasing the sentences. thoughts?
This is much better.
Your paragraph describes a specific experience that inspired you to choose the position of Checkpoint Manager. It provides details about your interaction with Mrs. Blanche, a checkpoint manager, during a family vacation, and highlights her professionalism, proactive approach, and caring nature.
To improve the paragraph, consider the following revisions:
1. Start with a more engaging and attention-grabbing introduction. Instead of "When I came upon the advertisement listed on the Indeed website," try something like "As I stumbled upon an intriguing advertisement on Indeed, one position instantly captured my curiosity: Checkpoint Manager."
2. Elaborate on why airport security and screening services have always intrigued you. Specify particular aspects that fascinate you and explain how they relate to the Checkpoint Manager position.
3. Provide more context about Mrs. Blanche's actions that inspired you. Instead of simply mentioning her help in choosing a shorter line, explain how her proactive approach and effective communication with your children made a significant difference. Emphasize the impact of her actions on your overall experience and how it made you realize the importance of a caring and attentive Checkpoint Manager.
4. Connect your own qualities and skills to those demonstrated by Mrs. Blanche. Highlight specific characteristics such as determination, compassion, and ability to work well under pressure, explaining how these qualities align with the responsibilities of a Checkpoint Manager.
5. Consider adding a statement that shows your enthusiasm and eagerness to contribute to the team at the organization where you are applying. Express your eagerness to apply the lessons learned from Mrs. Blanche and your dedication to running an effective and compassionate operation.
Remember, the purpose of your writing is to showcase your motivation, enthusiasm, and thoughtfulness in choosing and pursuing this specific career path. By emphasizing your personal connection to the position and sharing a meaningful experience, you can make a compelling case for why you would be a valuable addition to the organization as a Checkpoint Manager.