Write a 3-paragraph Biographical Essay. Discuss your experiences with summer: the things you enjoyed and the things you missed about school.
What I have written: "A strong sense of freedom is one of my favorite things about summer. It rids me of the stress and worry of assigned and uncompleted schoolwork, of poor grades and disappointing my teacher. Along with my stress and worry also leaves the reason why I am often deprived of sleep during the school year: an early morning religious class known as Seminary. Thus, it is almost a joy to experience such freedom, to wander aimlessly with very few cares in the world, if only for a short period of time.
The weather is another enjoyable aspect of summer. It is often warm enough to swim in the waters of a pool or a small pond or even a lake— all of which I have done during my many summer vacations. Furthermore, the climate makes the experience of hiking, one of my favorite seasonal activities, all the more enjoyable. For example, while hiking trails in the winter may be beautiful with littered snow, hiking trails in the summer are the ones that exhibit nature's life at its fullest.
Nevertheless, despite my love for summer freedom, there are some things that I missed about school. Interacting with my teacher and my school's staff, for instance, would be one of them. They are all so friendly; it's almost difficult to think that they might not return to work for my school once the summer ends. I must admit, it is also difficult to imagine being a student of a different teacher besides the one I am of now. This is because, while we have both struggled with each other at times, I have never learned more—another reasoning of my missing school—than from my High School teacher, Mrs. Pfiefer."
Here are some places where I find the wording awkward (and even incorrect grammatically):
Along with my stress and worry also leaves the reason why ...
... it is almost a joy ... [so ... not really joy of any kind?]
... or even a lake— all of which ...
[read up on why an em-dash is incorrect here:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/dash.htm ]
... the experience of hiking, one of my favorite seasonal activities, all the more enjoyable.
... beautiful with littered snow ...
... nature's life at its fullest.
... there are some things that I missed ...
... would be ...
... so friendly; it's ...
... that they might not return to work for my school ...
... being a student of a different teacher besides the one I am of now.
... my High School teacher ...
Simplify sentences. Short sentences make more sense and are easier to read. Count your number of sentences, and then count the total commas. That should give you a sense of complexity.
A sense of freedom is one of the most cherished aspects of summer. It provides a break from the constant stress and worry of schoolwork and the fear of disappointing teachers with poor grades. Personally, I find relief from the early morning religious class, Seminary, which often deprives me of sleep during the school year. To experience such freedom, even if it is only for a short period of time, is a genuine joy. It allows me to wander aimlessly, with very few cares in the world.
Another enjoyable aspect of summer is the weather. It is warm enough to indulge in activities like swimming in pools, ponds, or lakes, which I have had the chance to do during many summer vacations. Additionally, the climate enhances the experience of one of my favorite seasonal activities—hiking. While winter hikes may have a certain beauty with their littered snow, hiking in the summer reveals nature at its fullest. The vibrant greenery and blooming flowers create a captivating backdrop for exploring trails.
Despite my love for the freedom of summer, there are things I miss about school. Interacting with my teacher and the school staff is one of them. The friendly environment they create is something I look forward to every day. It is hard to imagine that they might not be there once summer ends. Additionally, it is difficult to envision being a student of a different teacher. Though we have had our challenges, I have never learned more than I have from my current high school teacher, Mrs. Pfiefer. Her guidance and dedication are irreplaceable, making her absence in the summer truly missed.