Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences

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I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasn't sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!

ASSIGNMENT:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.

Revised paragraph from March 21, 2012

What do you think?

Ten years’ experience as manager at Creative Curl Beauty Salon was phenomenal experiences in Accounting/Office Administration. The enjoyment of these experiences led to applying on the Accounting/Office Administration position your company; Dexter Mining. With experience of accounting and enjoyment of working with people, I would be an asset to your company. The responsibilities of salon manager led to a turning point in my career. The duties as salon manager include; managing payroll and Harmonized Sales Tax remittance, balancing daily sales, ordering supplies, and arranging travel for staff to attend workshops. Over the course of being the salon manager, and working with the accountant, the love for working with numbers, and direct public grew. To ensure I was performing the manager responsibilities and accurately, I presented the salon accountant with weekly journals. After several meetings and providing requested information, the accountant graciously suggested I pursue a career in Accounting/Office Administration. With a background in salon management, taking the advice of the accountant is a step forward for my career.

  • Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences -

    Ten years’ experience as manager at Creative Curl Beauty Salon have given me phenomenal experiences in accounting and office administration. The enjoyment of these experiences led to my applying for the Accounting/Office Administration position your company, Dexter Mining. With my experience in accounting and my enjoyment in working with people, I would be an asset to your company. The responsibilities of salon manager led to a turning point in my career. The duties as salon manager include managing payroll and Harmonized Sales Tax remittance, balancing daily sales, ordering supplies, and arranging travel for staff to attend workshops. While serving as salon manager and working with the accountant, my love for working with numbers and the direct public grew. To ensure I was performing the manager's responsibilities ____ and accurately, I presented the salon accountant with weekly journals. After several meetings during which I provided the requested information, the accountant graciously suggested I pursue a career in accounting and office administration. With a background in salon management, taking the advice of the accountant is a step forward in my career.

    Compare carefully to catch all the changes I made. There also needs to be another adverb where I put a blank line.

  • Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences -

    Sorry ... this is how that first line should read:

    Ten years’ experience as manager at Creative Curl Beauty Salon has given me ...

  • Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences -

    Writeacher, other than those changes you have made, is the rest of the paragraph ok?

  • Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences -

    Yes, the content is excellent. I was mostly dealing with details!!

  • Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences -

    Ok thanks a million...

  • Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences -

    are all sentences worded properly, and even flow from one to the other?

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