English

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This is my first paragraph of my essay. Help!

Imagine being given a name that every kid would make fun of and everyone always questioning “Why would your parents do such a thing?” The man knew the pros and cons of having such a very unusual name, because he has lived with it all of his life. The bullies from his childhood would call him Oliver Tolliver, from Bolivar, and this made him extremely conscientious about his name. The kids would tell him that he was never going to be anyone important because of a name like his. It wasn’t until he saw an article written by CNN Living on parents giving their children very usual names, that he realized he could use his name to his advantage. Oliver Toliver was the sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, who now had the state of the art mansion, but because of his penny pinching ways, you would never have known it.

  • English -

    This is my first paragraph of my essay. Help! I forgot to make the changes.

    Imagine being given a name that every kid would make fun of and everyone always questioning “Why would your parents do such a thing?” The man knew the pros and cons of having such a very unusual name, because he has lived with it all of his life. The bullies from his childhood would call him Oliver Tolliver, from Bolivar, and this made him extremely conscientious about his name. The kids would tell him that he was never going to be anyone important because of a name like his. It wasn’t until he saw an article written by CNN Living on parents giving their children very usual names, that he realized he could use his name to his advantage. Oliver Toliver was the sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, who now had the state-of-the-art mansion, but because of his penny-pinching ways, you would never have known it.

  • English -

    DON'T start any paper's first draft by writing the introduction! How can you introduce a paper that you haven't written yet?

    Follow the writing process, whether you're writing for science, history, English, or whatever:

    Prewriting: Brainstorm, research, plan, outline, thesis statement

    Writing: Write first draft by starting with section II of your outline; write the introduction after the body of the paper is written; write the conclusion last.

    Polishing: Revise, concentrating first on the body of the paper, then the intro, then the concl (revision = making sure ideas are logical and sequential and support your thesis); proofread (spelling, grammar, usage, etc.)

    Do you have a thesis yet? Have you done your brainstorming (and maybe research) yet? Have you written an outline?

    http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/catalogue.html#org
    from http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/catalogue.html

    http://www.angelfire.com/wi/writingprocess/

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/
    Check in the Essay & Research Paper Level.

  • English -

    Okay thanks!!

  • English -

    This is my start. Is this better?

    Thesis- The sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, who now has the state-of-the-art mansion, but because of his penny pinching ways, no one would ever know it.

    Paragraph #2
    Granted Oliver Toliver wasn’t a very well dressed kid growing up; however after achieving the wealth he has today, you would think he would invest in a better wardrobe. The plaided flannel shirt with the denim blue jeans are not typical business attire. The jeans have been around the block a few times and could use a good cleaning, as well as the flannel shirt having several bleach spots on it. His gruffy looking face with disheveled, unkept hair makes him look more like a lumberjack than a businessman. But for some reason he has remained true to himself and has not change who he is as a person to please other people’s beliefs.

  • English -

    Did you write an outline? It's hard to see a paper in pieces and know if it's going to work unless there's an outline -- a plan.

  • English -

    I have a hard time trying to do this. Should I only do it for the 2, 3, and 4 paragraph or for the into an conclusion too.

  • English -

    No, just for paragraphs 2, 3, and 4.

  • English -

    Okay, I will do that now.Thanks!

  • English -

    Also, consider how formal or informal this paper is supposed to be. There's a lot of slang in the paragraph you posted above. If the paper needs to be in formal English, then you need to get rid of the slang and use more standard English. Here's an example of phrasing that needs to be changed:

    "The jeans have been around the block a few times ... "

  • English -

    The essay is to be on a phone book character. I would think that it would be more informal. Is this better?

    Thesis- The sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, who now has the state-of-the-art mansion, but because of his penny pinching ways, no one would ever know it.
    Paragraph #2
    Granted Oliver Toliver wasn’t a very well dressed young man growing up; however after achieving the wealth he has today, you would think he would invest in a better wardrobe. The plaided flannel shirt with the denim blue jeans are not typical business attire. The jeans have worn spots on them and could use a good cleaning, as well as the flannel shirt having several bleach spots on it and a slight odor. His gruffy looking face with disheveled, unkept hair makes him look more like a lumberjack than a businessman. But for some reason he has remained true to himself and has not change who he is as a person to please other people’s beliefs on what he should wear.
    Paragraph #3
    Eventually after his continued hard work and perseverance he was able to build a state-of-the-art mansion with every up to date gadget possible. When entering the road towards the mansion, the drive is lined with very unique lighting systems the entire way. In order to get up to the mansion everyone is met at the gate by a guard, who checks a computerized screen for your name. Finally, reaching the front door, the guest is greeted by Oliver, who begins to give a tour of his home. Nothing can compare to anything they have ever seen or heard before, with one remote controlling most of these incredible gadgets. Wow!
    Paragraph #4
    Penny-pinching is what some people do to save money, but for Oliver it is his only way, and it has made him very successful because of it. By looking at him, you would never guess that he is extremely wealthy, but because he has done this from such a young age, it is the only thing he knows to do. He did however splurge with the construction of his mansion and give it all those fancy gadgets. But even after spending the money to build the mansion, he still did not change his miserly ways with updating his wardrobe to more of business attire. Oliver will go to his grave a frugal, tight fisted and cheap man to maintain the true person that he is and always be remembered as.

  • English -

    Everything looks good. The content and development of ideas in each paragraph are quite good.

    There are mechanical errors and some word choice issues, which you should be able to find by reading the whole paper aloud to someone. You should hear the errors; then you should be able to fix them easily.

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