U.S. History

I need help on my intro paragraph, i need a good thesis statement but i don't know if mine is correct.

my essay involves three major business leaders in the late 19th century "John D. rockefeller, Andre Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt."

so my thesis statement and intro begins
like this

John D. Rockefeller, Andres Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt, were all big business leaders in the 19th century. But many questioned whether America should view these three men as Captains of Industry or Robber Barons.

is this good? how can i improve it?

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  1. Concentrate on making this sentence better:
    But many questioned whether America should view these three men as Captains of Industry or Robber Barons.

    (Who are "many"?)

    Your thesis statement must include factual information plus your position/opinion/stance. Without your position on the topic, it isn't a true thesis statement.

    So think of this sentence as the angle you want to take on the topic and what you intend to prove by the end of your paper. (If your statement is simply factual, then there's nothing to prove!)

    http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/thesistatement.html
    This is one of the very best places I've seen online to help students write good thesis statements. It shows you sentences that aren't thesis statements and how to turn each one into real thesis statements.

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    Writeacher
  2. John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt, were all big business leaders in the 19th century. But many people questioned whether America should view these three men as Captains of Industry or Robber Barons. These three men helped in one way or the other to grow business. John D. Rockefeller owned an oil company where he engaged in vertical integration to increase profit. "by 1879 his oil company refined 90 percent of all U.S. oil." Andrew Carnegie owned a steel company he also used the vertical integration to hold down costs and buy supplies in large quantities. "by the end of the century the Carnegie Steel company dominated the steel industry." and lastly Cornelius Vanderbilt invested in a railroad company, "he controlled more than 4,500 miles of railroad track." although they invested to grow their business Vanderbilt only supported a few charities while Rockefeller and Carnegie supported many. Rockefeller donated about $80 million to the University of Chicago, Carnegie donated about $350 million over his lifetime and Vanderbilt only donated $1 million to Central University. Vanderbilt in this case is the Robber baron because he hired people to work long hours and they often did not receive a high amount of money for all their hard work. while Rockefeller and Carnegie are Captains of industry for creating new jobs and donating a lot of money to charities

    is this good?

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  3. As a thesis statement? No, it's far too long.

    A thesis statement is ONE SENTENCE and is best placed at the END of the introductory paragraph.

    Do you have at least a rough outline for the entire essay/paper?

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    Writeacher
  4. no? then i don't know what to put for my thesis, i'm confused

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  5. John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt, were all big business leaders in the 19th century. But many people questioned whether America should view these three men as Captains of Industry or Robber Barons. Vanderbilt in this case is the Robber baron because he hired people to work long hours and they often did not receive a high amount of money for all their hard work. while Rockefeller and Carnegie are Captains of industry for creating new jobs and donating a lot of money to charities

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  6. John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Cornelius Vanderbilt, were all big business leaders in the 19th century. But many people questioned whether America should view these three men as Captains of Industry or Robber Barons. Although these three men helped in one way or the other to grow business. Vanderbilt is the Robber baron because he hired people to work long hours and they often did not receive a high amount of money for all their hard work. while Rockefeller and Carnegie are Captains of Industry for creating new jobs and donating a lot of money to charities.

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  7. I'll ask again ... do you have an outline for your paper?

    If I can see your whole outline (whether you consider it a rough draft of more finished), I'll be able to tell better.

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    Writeacher
  8. so you mean what i have already?

    because i don't have any i just have what i'm supposed to do like their biographies, etc. and what to put in the intro paragraph and the body paragraphs

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  9. If you haven't been taught and/or don't want to follow the writing process, then there's not much anyone can do. My strong suggestion is that you draft an outline of what you want to write. Here's a suggested start:

    I. Intro (write this next to last)

    II. John D. Rockefeller (1 paragraph telling what you want to say about him)

    III. Andrew Carnegie (1 paragraph telling what you want to say about him)

    IV. Cornelius Vanderbilt (1 paragraph telling what you want to say about him)

    V. Conclusion (write this last)

    What you DON'T want to do is to include everything in one paragraph.

    Here's the writing process for you to follow; it seems to me that you're still in the pre-writing part:

    DON'T start any paper's first draft by writing the introduction!

    Follow the writing process, whether you're writing a paragraph, an essay, or a research paper … for science, history, English, or whatever:

    Prewriting: Brainstorm, research, plan, outline, thesis statement

    Writing: Write first draft by starting with section II of your outline; write the introduction after the body of the paper is written; write the conclusion last.

    Polishing: Revise, concentrating first on the body of the paper, then the intro, then the concl (revision = making sure ideas are logical and sequential and support your thesis); proofread (spelling, grammar, usage, etc.)

    Do you have a thesis yet? Have you done your brainstorming (and maybe research) yet? Have you written an outline?

    http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/catalogue.html#org
    from http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/catalogue.html

    http://www.angelfire.com/wi/writingprocess/

    http://www.ipl.org/div/aplus/
    Click on Step by Step for the process. Click on Info Search for help with researching.

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/
    Check in the Essay & Research Paper Level.

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    Writeacher
  10. i am following the writing process i just don't know what type of information i'll type what i have to do.

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  11. Forget the thesis statement for the time being.

    Take three sheets of paper, and research (read, read, read, and take good notes) each of the three men you're referring to, one sheet of paper for each man.

    You cannot plan much of anything until you have researched each one. That's where you start.

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    Writeacher
  12. oh ok i'll follow your steps it may take a while though.

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  13. That's OK. I'll check back in a while.

    =)

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    Writeacher
  14. i also have a question i have to cite the websites i get my information from so how wild do that if i am only taking notes

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  15. Keep track of which website you get each piece of information from. You can create a kind of coding system, making sure you number the websites you use for each person you're researching. Here's an idea:

    #1 = http://www.biography.com/people/john-d-rockefeller-20710159

    #2 = http://www.micheloud.com/FXM/SO/jdr.htm

    #3 = http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/transcript/rockefellers-transcript/

    #4 = http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/carnegie/peopleevents/pande01.html

    #5 = http://www.biography.com/people/andrew-carnegie-9238756

    #6 = http://www.biography.com/people/cornelius-vanderbilt-9515195

    #7 = http://www.newnetherlandinstitute.org/history-and-heritage/dutch_americans/cornelius-vanderbilt/

    etc.

    Then, as you take notes, you put the number of the website (or websites) you get each piece of information from.

    Then your list of websites can also be turned into your works cited (bibliography) by using this:

    http://citationmachine.net/index2.php
    (Make sure you know if you need to be following APA or MLA or what format.)

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    Writeacher
  16. what is APA AND MLA?

    also the teacher said that she wants th information like

    john d. rockefeller was born july 8, 1839 and since i got it off the web she wants me to cite it so to me its confusing because a lot of info is form the web and she doesn't want so many quote " basically in the essay so how is that going to work?

    how do you cite websites

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  17. If your teacher hasn't told you which format to use, then just choose MLA in that citationmachine website.

    If you find all the basic biographical info for each man on his biography.com page, then just use that source.

    Have you read any of the linked websites I gave you with the writing process above? The Aplus one will lead you through it all, step by step.

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    Writeacher
  18. what do yo mean she only said to do an essay double-spaced 12 font, times new roman

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  19. Go back and read the outline I suggested for you above.

    Write one paragraph for each man.

    Then you'll be ready to deal with a thesis statement and all the rest.

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    Writeacher
  20. i'll be back in a while i'm still looking for stuff

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  21. Reina, just a fact check. Rockefeller bought out competition, that is horizontal integration, not vertical.

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    bobpursley
  22. This is not a response, but I am doing my research on Carnegie. Where might I best find primary sources of Andrew Carnegie

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