Improving writing assignment

Ten years ago, you started working as a clerk for DMD
Medical Supplies. Six months ago, Liz Jakowski, the human
resources director, promoted you to office manager. You
manage two employees: Jack Snyder and Ruth Disselkoen.
Your office provides secretarial support for the four members
of the executive team. Two years ago, Liz had assigned Jack
to support Ralph Alane and Jessica Hilo. Ruth was assigned
to Samuel Daley and Frank Daley. The work flow was
equally balanced.
You’ve noticed that in the last three months Ruth has cut her
breaks short to complete her work, complains of being tired,
and at least twice a month requires overtime hours costing
the company an additional $200 a month. In the last three
weeks, Frank Daley has complained to you a few times about
the poor quality of Ruth’s work.
On the other hand, over the last three months, Jack frequently
seems to have little to do. He has begun coming in late a
couple times a week and taking more than the allotted break
times. What work he does have, however, is always professionally completed.
My paragraphs are for Section 2
• The steps needed to change the situation
• Reason to implement each step, including the benefits
to your employees, your supervisor, and the company
• Information about your role in the change
Focus on the rough draft of Section 2, which you wrote
in Step 4. Divide the paragraph into two main ideas and
reorganize your information accordingly to develop two
separate paragraphs based on Section 2. The paragraphs
must first describe your solution and then persuade
your supervisor to implement that solution. Each paragraph must have one main idea related to this purpose
and audience.
This is what I will be evaluated on:
Ideas and content (development and unity). You’ve thoughtfully divided the Section 2 information into two balanced
paragraphs. In each paragraph, you present one clear main
idea. Each of the two main ideas directly relates to the
assigned purpose and audience: persuading Liz Jakowski to
implement your solution. You effectively combine applicable
information from the Background with insightful details of
your own to develop a step-by-step plan. Those details are
knitted together with reasonable explanation that includes
the benefits from implementing your plan. (20 points)
Organization (coherence and paragraph structure).
You develop the main idea of each paragraph in a logical
direction. The first paragraph flows naturally into the second
paragraph without blurring the two main ideas. Your details
fit naturally where placed. You effectively use connective
wording to weave information and explanation into a cohesive
whole. (20 points)
Voice. Each paragraph maintains a single point of view
using appropriate pronouns and verbs in active voice. In an
informal business fashion, you connect with your supervisor.
Your tone and voice give an engaging flavor to the message;
they are appropriate for both the audience and purpose.
(10 points)
Word choice. Each word works smoothly with the other
words to convey the intended message in a precise, appealing,
and original way. The words you choose are specific, accurate,
and energetic. You don’t use slang, clichés, or jargon.
(15 points)
Sentence fluency. Your sentences are well built, with varied
length, type, and structure to give each paragraph a sense of
controlled yet graceful movement. When read aloud, the two
paragraphs have a natural, pleasant rhythm. (15 points)
Conventions. You demonstrate a skillful grasp of the standard writing conventions for American English, using correct
grammar, usage, punctuation, capitalization, and spelling.
Your choices guide the reader through the text with ease.
The two paragraphs together total 200 to 300 words and
are submitted in the format outlined below. (20 points)

Now here are my paragraphs. Do you think I meet the expectations?

After careful observation and documentation of the workloads Ruth and Jack are under I believe I need to hold a meeting with the human resources director and the executive team of DMD Medical Supplies to make them aware of my findings. I need to converse with them about what is to happen if Jessica Hilo is unable to return to work. I need to suggest to the team that if no replacement is going to be hired and the shift of the work stays as it is that we as a team need to look at the administrative assistant positions to better accommodate the shift in workloads. If the hours between them were more evenly dispersed they could better delegate equal workloads to both Ruth and Jack, therefore Ruth’s quality of work would improve and Jack would have more to do to alleviate his boredom. The company would also be saving money by not paying Ruth overtime. A meeting making the management team aware will result in a cohesive effort to help the company stay on track, keep employees happy and continue providing the service their clients expect.

After the meeting with my superiors I feel that I must have a meeting with Ruth and Jack to inform them of the changes that will be made to disperse the workload more evenly. The workload changes will make Ruth happier and Jack less bored. I will also be having a private discussion with Jack to discuss his tardiness and extended breaks. He needs to be reminded that that his actions have been unacceptable and if they continue he will be disciplined. By having all the members of a team on the same page it provides a better work environment and makes the whole company work more efficiently.

Any suggestions to make it better would be appreciated.

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  1. I'd get rid of the wishy-washy words such as "converse" and "suggest" and "making them aware." You need to use stronger verbs in those places because conversations and suggestions are not guaranteed to see that the problems are fixed.

    And what is meant by "disciplined"? Fired? Demoted? What?

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    Writeacher
  2. Reworded: Does it work now?

    After careful observation and documentation of the workloads Ruth and Jack are under I need to hold a meeting with the human resources director and the executive team of DMD Medical Supplies to discuss my findings. I need to ask them about what is to happen if Jessica Hilo is unable to return to work. I need to let them know that if no replacement is going to be hired and the shift of the work stays as it is that we as a team need to look at the administrative assistant positions to better accommodate the shift in workloads. If the hours between them were more evenly dispersed they could better delegate equal workloads to both Ruth and Jack, therefore Ruth’s quality of work would improve and Jack would have more to do to alleviate his boredom. The company would also be saving money by not paying Ruth overtime. A meeting making the management team knowledgeable about what is going on in the company will result in a cohesive effort to help the company stay on track, keep employees happy and continue to provide the exceptional service their clients expect.
    After the meeting with my superiors I feel that I must have a meeting with Ruth and Jack to inform them of the changes that will be made to disperse the workload more evenly. The workload changes will make Ruth happier and Jack less bored. I will also be having a private discussion with Jack to discuss his tardiness and extended breaks. He needs to be reminded that that his actions have been unacceptable and if they continue he will be dismissed. By having all the members of a team on the same page it provides a better work environment and makes the whole company work more efficiently.

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  3. Much better. Here are more things that need work, though:

    commas - after every introductory clause or phrase, as well as in other places as needed (compound sentences, series, etc.)
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

    These sentences are wordy and too long. How can you make them more concise without losing meaning?

    I need to ask them about what is to happen if Jessica Hilo is unable to return to work. I need to let them know that if no replacement is going to be hired and the shift of the work stays as it is that we as a team need to look at the administrative assistant positions to better accommodate the shift in workloads.

    ... I feel that I must have...
    Which words can be eliminated without losing meaning?

    The pronoun "it" has no antecedent; how will you rephrase this so that it's not wordy and so that "it" is either removed with rephrasing or an antecedent is provided for clarity?
    By having all the members of a team on the same page it provides a better work environment and makes the whole company work more efficiently.
    (Hint: Get rid of "By" and rephrase so you don't need it.)

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    Writeacher
  4. Here are a couple of webpages to help you deal with wordiness and pronouns & antecedents:

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

    and

    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/pronouns1.htm

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    Writeacher
  5. Here is yet another revision. Does it work?

    I need to hold a meeting with the human resources director and the executive team of DMD Medical Supplies to discuss my observations and documentation of the workloads Ruth and Jack are under. I will ask them what is to happen if Jessica Hilo is unable to return to work. I need to let them know that if no replacement is going to be hired and the shift of the workload stays as is, that we as a team need to look at ways to better divide the workloads for Ruth and Jack. My suggestion is that if the hours between the assistants were more evenly dispersed, they could better delegate equal workloads to both Ruth and Jack. Ruth’s quality of work would improve and Jack would have more to do to alleviate his boredom. The company would also be saving money by not paying Ruth overtime. A meeting making the management team knowledgeable about what is going on in the company will result in a cohesive effort from everyone to make the employees happy so they can better provide the exceptional service the company and clients expect.
    After the meeting with my superiors I will have a meeting with Ruth and Jack to inform them how the workload will be dispersed evenly. The workload changes will make Ruth happier and will give Jack more work to do. I will also be having a private discussion with Jack to discuss his tardiness and extended breaks. He will be told that his actions have been unacceptable and if they continue he will be dismissed. With all the members of a team on the same page, and working under the same set of rules it provides a better work environment and makes the whole company work more efficiently.

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  6. I have noticed that in the last three months, the performance and qualities of work has been compact due to workloads unbalanced, since Jessica Hilo our executive manager has been on medical leave for last four months. Her responsibilities have been shared between Ralph and Frank. Therefore; as per workloads the supporting team for our executive manager begun receiving- unequal workloads as Ruth begun complains that she’s taken short break due to burden activates which strength her to work extra hours which is counted as overtime costing the company 200$ a month, and Jack has little to do.

    Therefore, to address the issue without costing additional payment we will have to demand our executive manager’s to comprehend this circumstances in order to assign some of the responsibility to Jack to begin him have some more to do and escaped him to get uninteresting and late coming to work. In the other hand the work will be moderate for Ruth and will sidestep her to work overtime and will interval her to have fair-minded enough break between tasks. I hope your kind consider this as momentary solution till Jessica return safely to her duties.

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