Im writing a college essay and Im not sure how to edit the first paragraph
My existence thus far has been a musical performance. The world is my stage, the platform on which I can express myself creatively. My life is the reputable melody that I play from my guitar, and the notes are my memories and life experiences. As life fluctuates and changes, so do the melodies that I procreate. My cherished sentimental memories are like reprises, essential to my song by telling me that it’s okay to look back and start over, and the more difficult memories are like codas, telling me that sometimes it is necessary to let go and not look back. My life song isn't always perfect, but is the result of my constant hard work and the interminable dedication of my discipline.
If your intended major is something to do with music, this is OK. It does sound as if you wrote with a thesaurus at your side though.
You should rethink the choice of the word "procreate," though! And maybe "interminable" also.
http://www.answers.com/procreate
Are you sure everyone who reads your essay will be familiar with all your terminology? "codas" = ??
is there anything else wrong with
it?
What is the rest of the essay about? If this doesn't tie in smoothly, it'll be very "jerky" in the readers' minds.
If you post the rest of your essay, I'll read it and let you know my reaction. Then, once you have what you need, you let me know, and I'll delete the thread so no one copies your ideas.
My Song
My existence thus far has been a musical performance. The world is my stage, the platform on which I can express myself creatively. My life is the reputable melody that I play from my guitar, and the notes are my memories and life experiences. As life fluctuates and changes, so do the melodies that I procreate. My cherished sentimental memories are like reprises, essential to my song by telling me that it’s okay to look back and start over, and the more difficult memories are like codas, telling me that sometimes it is necessary to let go and not look back. My life song isn't always perfect, but is the result of my constant hard work and the interminable dedication of my discipline.
I have spent countless hours rehearsing guitar, reviewing the laws of musical decorum until I knew it backward and forwards, never ceasing to stop at anything less than perfection. If I commenced a song that was too complicated for my understanding, I studied the notes and exact rhythms, as with the placements of the adagios and castratos, until I could be able to recite them in my sleep with full confidence. I would never stop at anything less than flawless perfection and full embodiment of the musical knowledge. My passion and learning the right way to play music validly reverberates my view on life and drive for learning in general. I believe that you should never stop at anything short of full completion and should always strive to do the best you possibly can.
The many hours of playing guitar with friends and performing at Jackson’s Coffee Place are forever ground in my memory. They are the espressivos and legatos of my life, the high maestros and lively beats, essential to my being and necessary in constructing my song. Reflecting back on it now, I can easily recall how the cold, shiny Birchwood guitar of my childhood felt in my hands, and the sentimental happiness that came along with it, along with the tingling sensation of both excitement and relaxation of plucking the first chord. The happy sentiments of my past are what give my life substance, and so I cherish them with fond sense, as they were fundamental in creating the person I am today.
Even though contended components are essential to the song of my life, sad ones are also unavoidable, as they are to everyone else's. The arduous experiences that help people grow and change over time are required to progress, and I am no exception. My life seems to have been a constant series of humbling relationship inefficacies and experiences of self-acceptance botches. The countless days when life felt as if it were slipping through my fingers resulted in sitting on my hardwood bedroom floor, playing guitar, and translating my clumsy mistakes and failures into cantabile melodies, free atonals, and soulful elegies. I feel safest and most open not when talking things out with others, but when translating my thoughts and feelings into another language- music.
The world is my stage, and I am the performer. I hold my life and my guitar in my control, and with every note that I play I am speaking a story; translating my past, hopes, and dreams into symphonic form. When people hear my music they hear me. Music is an outlet, it is how I express myself, and it is my life. Every note I play is a memory and emotion that came from an experience in my life, and even though it is complicated and imperfect, it is what makes up my song and who I am.
Sounds good. Just go through that conclusion and make sure you have not quoted anything directly from the introduction. Repetitions like that usually demonstrate a lack of imagination or vocabulary (or both), and you want to avoid that!!
=)
procreate??
interminable??
codas??
thanks that's actually really helpful.
also, does it "flow" right to you? Im worried that it doesnt read well as an overall essay.
It reads fine to me, but the best test is if you can get someone (your mom or a friend or someone) to read it aloud to you.
Put a printout in the other person's hands and just listen; don't have a copy in front of you. In hearing someone else read it, you may find places you want to smooth out.