a little question about the essay

) Open-Ended question: Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to make mature decisions from the first day of ninth grade onward. Unfortunately, I never fully realized how important grades are to success in high school, as measured by GPA, would be to my future life and for my future. If I had worked and studied harder, I would not have had to apply to school with a low SAT score and a 3.7 GPA. This year I have made a concentrated effort to improve my work ethic. As a result, my grade point average is rising, and my study habits are improving. Determined to make something of myself, I have set goals and am working to achieve them—in other words, I have finally matured. My new attitude and my understanding of the importance of earning good grades demonstrate my ability to be responsible. I enjoy the freedom of pursuing my own interests and eagerly anticipate the ability to choose my own class schedule in college. Although college will be significantly more challenging than high school, I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I also accept the fact that as long as I am in school, I will need to take required courses that I might be less than enthusiastic aboutin which I will have to work harder. However, with my new goal-oriented nature, I realize that I am working toward my college degree and my future success; therefore, I will be motivated to improve and push myself to accomplish my goals. I know that the courses will be challenging, but I am willing to do what it takes to achieve my ultimate goal.

I feel that I have always had the potential to succeed, and with my new perspective, I now look forward to having the opportunity to realize this potential.

i deleted this whole sentence you wanted to me to take out. i just wanted to make if the ending has a good conclusion. does it sound better now? i am still feeling uneasy deleting that sentence so can you tell me why.

i have a total of 984 words so 16 words left. should i come up with a final sentence since 16 word left or is that okay

thank you so much. after you told me what i should take out, then i thought about and was like, it makes sense. it's hard to delete stuff on your own because everything sounds good.


You wrote:
Open-Ended question: Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to make mature decisions from the first day of ninth grade onward. Unfortunately, I never fully realized how important grades are to success in high school, as measured by GPA, would be to my future life and for my future. If I had worked and studied harder, I would not have had to apply to school with a low SAT score and a 3.7 GPA. This year I have made a concentrated effort to improve my work ethic. As a result, my grade point average is rising, and my study habits are improving. Determined to make something of myself, I have set goals and am working to achieve them—in other words, I have finally matured. My new attitude and my understanding of the importance of earning good grades demonstrate my ability to be responsible. I enjoy the freedom of pursuing my own interests and eagerly anticipate the ability to choose my own class schedule in college. Although college will be significantly more challenging than high school, I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I also accept the fact that as long as I am in school, I will need to take required courses that I might be less than enthusiastic aboutin which I will have to work harder. However, with my new goal-oriented nature, I realize that I am working toward my college degree and my future success; therefore, I will be motivated to improve and push myself to accomplish my goals. I know that the courses will be challenging, but I am willing to do what it takes to achieve my ultimate goal.

I feel that I have always had the potential to succeed, and with my new perspective, I now look forward to having the opportunity to realize this potential.

i deleted this whole sentence you wanted to me to take out. i just wanted to make if the ending has a good conclusion. does it sound better now? i am still feeling uneasy deleting that sentence so can you tell me why.

i have a total of 984 words so 16 words left. should i come up with a final sentence since 16 word left or is that okay

thank you so much. after you told me what i should take out, then i thought about and was like, it makes sense. it's hard to delete stuff on your own because everything sounds good.
----------------------

The primary reason I suggested removing that sentence is because it was so redundant -- repetitive. If you wish to leave it in, then you should find where the same ideas are expressed earlier in the paragraph and delete those. One thing that people notice when reading essays (academic or admissions or any other kind) is that redundancy is a type of "padding" -- adding more words that don't add new ideas.

If the essay is under 1,000 words, then leave it. Don't worry about making it exactly 1,000 words.

This webpage from www.collegeboard.com is excellent. There may be further ideas for you here: http://www.collegeboard.com/student/apply/essay-skills/9406.html
Don't pass up checking this out.

Also remember what Bob Pursley said earlier -- your essay is HUGELY improved from when you first began posting your rough drafts. You should be proud of yourself.

=)




u guys suck!!

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  1. Wow, im a kid applying to college next year, and the amount of work needed to apply to schools is a hell of a lot more than what my brothers needed to do.

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    posted by You suck

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