Writing

Can This be read an let me know if have enough ideas/claims supported with enough examples? Did the essay presuade you to think a certain way? An does the organization/structure of the writing help the reader to identify the writer puporse?

Successs is the fullfilment of your life goals. Success is what everyone hopes to acheive in their life. At the end of my life i would like to reach success in my life. Success to me is having a good job, were i make good money and can provide for my family. Success to me isn;t having the most money or the nices car; but, living a full good life.

Ultimately, i acheive successn through competion. Competiton gives the drive to succeed. When i compete i don't have to depend on others. Also, in competition there is less conflict in indpenedent work. There will not be an uneven balance of initiative.

First, with competition you don't have to depend on others. In working alone, I'll receive the credit by myself. For example, the science fair project. When i did the science fair project i got the grade i earned and not the grade of someone else.

Second, there is less conflict in having independence. I work better alone. I don't have to spend time hearing everyone ideas. For example, in test/quizzes. In test/quiezzes you work alone and earn your own grade.

Last, there will not be an uneven initiative While working. With corperation everyone might not want to work and try to get a graade through everyone else. Having a ambition gives you the drive to succeed. For exmaplem extra credi.

The following is intended to be helpful..I am dissecting this essay to be helpful, not harmful.

I think after reading this the writer is trying to justify his/her inability to work with others.
The first paragraph is not revealing to me. The second paragraph reveals a need to best other people, that perhaps something is inherently inferior with other people.
The third paragraph reveals an inability to share group responsibility and rewards.
The fourth paragraph reflects the second: that other peoples ideas are inferior.
The last reveals to me a competitive drive that puts self interests first, and even perhaps a fear to work with others who do not share the same ambitions.

There are a number of typos and misspellings here. To me, the number of examples is sufficient. The organization could be better, for instance a thesis statement and a closing statement would help. I personally stumble on the pronouns I, my, you. I feel more comfortable in the third person, which emphasizes the idea more than the individual. It is OK to use the first and third, but ditch all instances of "you". It presumes too much of the reader, in my opinion.

In close, the essay persuades me to see a teen that is in conflict not being able to work well in groups, accepting group norms, goals, and group dynamics. I was that way when I was a teen, as best I can recall. However I came to understand that my way was not the only way, and my ideas were usually bereft of completeness, and finally, that my vision of my being was not the same as others saw me.

Thanks Alot..

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asked by Bryan

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