I need help on adding voice to my writing. I need help on not being repetitive and making my sentences vague. Would you grade me out of 12 points?

A valuable item is something that is given to you by a special someone, something that you will have forever to the end. Many people have valuable items that they love, that do not cost much money. One of my favorite valuable items is a handmade keychain my little sister made me on my birthday.

There are so many reasons this keychain is valuable to me. First, it shows that my sister thought about me and made me feel special. I'm not always sure she cares, but now I know she does. Second, it is really divine the way she shaped the keychain into a orange and black butterfly. I know it must have taken some time! Third, it reminds me of a rainbow because it has all the colors of the spectrum in it, making it colorful and attractive. It is very beautiful, and I enjoy putting it on my purses.

I will value and treasure this butterfly keychain forever, mostly because my little sister made it for me. I have many valuable items, but this is my prized possession, and I hope I never lose it. Do you have a valuable item that didn’t cost much money?

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  1. I also need some figurative language for this expository writeng targeted to teenagers reading the local newspaper.

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  2. http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1300239536

    You haven't put any effort into this since I revised it yesterday. You have paid no attention to what either I or DrRuss said yesterday.

    Before I give you any more suggestions or corrections, please work on it yourself.

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