English 12

We had to write a sample college essay; how will your diversity help the college campus?

Here is my first two paragraphs:
The students were unaware of me standing on the balcony, watching them with interest as they walked back from school on the narrow dirt path road. Their uniforms were simple, their shoes were neatly tied, and their faces were lit up with joy after one more day of gaining knowledge. In India, the enthusiasm to learn is common since education is one of the three most important things in their tradition, along with family and culture. As I traveled around the world, I have learnt important life lessons that I have treasured to make me a diverse and cultured person. These lessons have been incorporated into my life to make me appreciate my way of living, and to respect other peoples religions, beliefs, and ideas.

As I try to balance my life between the school work and social life of Western society, and the home life and traditions of Indian society, I find many hobbies and talents that would make me an asset to the University of Maryland community.

Suggestions?

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  1. You have not answered the prompt's question -- "how will your diversity [I guess that means your ethnicity] help the college campus."

    If you don't address their question, you will be out of consideration immediately. Please either start over or expand greatly on what you've started. Details and specifics are needed.

    http://www.collegeboard.com/student/apply/essay-skills/9406.html

    =)

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    Writeacher
  2. thanks, ill finish this and repost. i wanted to develop those experiences into how i would help their community. i should be done in less then 30 minutes if youre still on then

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