college essay: please revise and edit

A Silly Phobia Toward A Gorgeous Dude From Cal Poly

It was a cold Thursday night in the coastal area. The Sunnyside High School AVID students were on their way back home from the field trip of visiting UCSB. We stopped in San Luis Obispo and had dinner at the IN-N-OUT burger. The restaurant was full of the delicious smell of grilled burgers with BBQ and Ranch sauce and crispy fried onion rings. The line was very long and there were two strangers waiting in the same line with my classmate and I. The other guy wore a cap so I did not see his face clearly. He was very tall like a giant with very long arms and legs. The other one was short. He looked very mean because he did not have a smile on his face. All of a sudden, Ms. Martinez, my AVID teacher, introduced me to those two strangers. On that night, I never thought that I would have learned how to gain confidence from a silly embarrassment.

I have no idea why she would introduce me to some strangers who I had never seen before. Then, I noticed that one of the guy's shirts had a Cal Poly logo on it. I knew then that those two men were Cal Poly students. Then, the tall guy took off his cap and he was gorgeous. He had blonde hard like a surfer, with blue eyes, and a very nice smile with all straight and sparkly white teeth. I was so in love with him at that moment my turned very red like a strawberry. I could not say a word because the guy was very good looking and I had a phobia towards good looking guys.

I was so embarrassed that I held onto Ms. Martinez very tight. Everyone in the building saw my red face and laughed at me. My friends and classmates made fun of me. They stuck their tongues out very long and did the "Ooo..." sound. Some of them drew hearts on the napkins and held them very high to show the people in the restaurant. I felt the warm blood rushing up to my cheeks and I held my breath very long until the building seemed very stuffy. I did not know what to do so I looked up at the ceiling to see if there was any God to save me. The cute guy was so very polite. He told me to ask him questions about Cal Poly and he smiled at me. My embarrassment might have made me feel scared at that time, but I was very brave to ask him questions face to face. I did not give up and move away or act like a crybaby. No matter how much I blushed, I stood face to face with him and I tried my best to get as much information as I could about Cal Poly.

His name was Matt and he was a Sophmore at Cal Poly majoring in Aerospace Engineering. He gave me a lot of advice about getting into Cal Poly and what the professors' expectations were. The first question I asked him was about admissions requirements. The second was about the kind of GPA Cal Poly looked at. The third question was more personal. Was my face still blushing and was he going to laugh at me? I blushed so much but the guy did not care he just kept telling me to not be afraid of him. After the conversation, he wrote his e-mail address and his phone number on a napkin so I could call him for more information about Cal Poly. It was time to go so I was in a rush and I left the napkin at the restaurant. I blew a great opportunity to meet him because I could have hooked myself up with him.

I was embarrassed because the guy was cute, but I was brave enough to go through with asking questions. This embarrassing moment was a lesson to teach me to become better at self control. I did not care about my embarrassment. I cared a lot about my future and that was why I did not give up. I wanted to learn about Cal Poly as much as I could so I would not be lost when it came to admission acceptance. Even though my friends did make fun of me with all the lousy noises, I did not bother to deal with it.

I was brave enough to ask him questions face to face. Although my face turned very red, I still did not care. The most important thing was I got a lot of good information about Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. I did not let my embarrassment stop me from asking questions. I was distracted by a lot of lousy people but I gained confidence within myself. I believed in myself and I did not let my embarrassing moment stop my future. Embarrassment is a good thing because it prepares a person well to gain confidence within his or herself.

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  1. A Silly Phobia Toward A Gorgeous Dude From Cal Poly <~~check for proper capitalization

    It was a cold Thursday night in the coastal area. The Sunnyside High School AVID students were on their way back home from the field trip of visiting UCSB. We stopped in San Luis Obispo and had dinner at the IN-N-OUT burger. The restaurant was full of the delicious smell of grilled burgers with BBQ and Ranch sauce and crispy fried onion rings. The line was very long and there were two strangers waiting in the same line with my classmate and I. The other guy wore a cap so I did not see his face clearly. He was very tall like a giant with very long arms and legs. The other one was short. He looked very mean because he did not have a smile on his face. All of a sudden, Ms. Martinez, my AVID teacher, introduced me to those two strangers. On that night, I never thought that I would have learned how to gain confidence from a silly embarrassment. commas in compound sentences; check to see that all pronouns are in the right case)

    I have no idea why she would introduce me to some strangers who I had never seen before. Then, I noticed that one of the guy's shirts had a Cal Poly logo on it. I knew then that those two men were Cal Poly students. Then, the tall guy took off his cap and he was gorgeous. He had blonde hard like a surfer, with blue eyes, and a very nice smile with all straight and sparkly white teeth. I was so in love with him at that moment my turned very red like a strawberry. I could not say a word because the guy was very good looking and I had a phobia towards good looking guys. check to see about pronoun case; check for unneeded and needed commas (see link below); “one of the guy’s shirts” is awkward phrasing – simply “one guy’s shirt” is fine; check for a run-on and any omitted words; the phrasing “phobia towards” is incorrect, but “phobia of” is correct (see link below); and are you SURE you want to use the word phobia here??

    I was so embarrassed that I held onto Ms. Martinez very tight. Everyone in the building saw my red face and laughed at me. My friends and classmates made fun of me. They stuck their tongues out very long and did the "Ooo..." sound. Some of them drew hearts on the napkins and held them very high to show the people in the restaurant. I felt the warm blood rushing up to my cheeks and I held my breath very long until the building seemed very stuffy. I did not know what to do so I looked up at the ceiling to see if there was any God to save me. The cute guy was so very polite. He told me to ask him questions about Cal Poly and he smiled at me. My embarrassment might have made me feel scared at that time, but I was very brave to ask him questions face to face. I did not give up and move away or act like a crybaby. No matter how much I blushed, I stood face to face with him and I tried my best to get as much information as I could about Cal Poly. Check uses of adjectives/adverbs; they’re not interchangeable; commas; capitalization or not; use of “face to face” twice in two sentences – change one of them.

    His name was Matt and he was a Sophmore at Cal Poly majoring in Aerospace Engineering. He gave me a lot of advice about getting into Cal Poly and what the professors' expectations were. The first question I asked him was about admissions requirements. The second was about the kind of GPA Cal Poly looked at. The third question was more personal. Was my face still blushing and was he going to laugh at me? I blushed so much but the guy did not care he just kept telling me to not be afraid of him. After the conversation, he wrote his e-mail address and his phone number on a napkin so I could call him for more information about Cal Poly. It was time to go so I was in a rush and I left the napkin at the restaurant. I blew a great opportunity to meet him because I could have hooked myself up with him. ”name was Matt” – is he now dead? Commas; spelling; capitalization; double-check for use of correct conjunctions; reconsider some of the slang terms in this paragraph – and elsewhere.

    I was embarrassed because the guy was cute, but I was brave enough to go through with asking questions. This embarrassing moment was a lesson to teach me to become better at self control. I did not care about my embarrassment. I cared a lot about my future and that was why I did not give up. I wanted to learn about Cal Poly as much as I could so I would not be lost when it came to admission acceptance. Even though my friends did make fun of me with all the lousy noises, I did not bother to deal with it. Use of hyphens; clarify pronouns (what is “it”?)

    I was brave enough to ask him questions face to face. Although my face turned very red, I still did not care. The most important thing was I got a lot of good information about Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. I did not let my embarrassment stop me from asking questions. I was distracted by a lot of lousy people but I gained confidence within myself. I believed in myself and I did not let my embarrassing moment stop my future. Embarrassment is a good thing because it prepares a person well to gain confidence within his or herself. same types of things to look for in here as in other paragraphs.

    Overused and slang words (find better ones!): http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/plague.htm

    Commas: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

    Phobias: http://www.kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/phobias.html
    “she has a phobia of being in closed-in spaces…”

    Use this index to find information on other problem areas:
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index2.htm

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