english

i need to know if i corrected these two paragraphs properly. i need to know if the sentences flow properly and if there's any errors thank you.

1. A lot of people don’t have wills. Everyone needs a will, but not all people have one. Wills are important because they explain who gets your stuff after you die. You don’t want your things going to someone you don’t want them to go to. 1.My Aunt Martha went to a lawyer to get a will, I did my will online. My dad died in 1988. He didn’t have a will. His stuff went to my step mom, who I don’t get along with. If he would have had a will, I might have been able to start college sooner. But my dad didn’t have a will. A will is good and you need to get one. Do you have a will?
2. Individuals can be denied credit for a number of reasons. Individuals who are near limits on existing cards, have too much outstanding debt or too many accounts overall, have a history of late payments, charge-offs or bankruptcy are likely to be denied credit. Individuals denied credit, by law, will receive a letter documenting the reason for the denial under the Fair Credit Reporting Act. Individuals who receive that letter should then examine the reasons for the denial and make efforts to correct their credit.
3.Avoiding and managing debt is hard. Things cost so much money that it’s hard not to spend more than you make. The bills pile up, the utilities cost a lot, and going to the grocery store is expensive too. Then once those bills are paid, someone in the family gets hurt and needs to go the doctor or an unexpected bill comes in like car tags or something. We are told to just use cash and not use credit cards to help stay out of debt. Who’s going to pay those extra monthly bills if it’s not the credit cards? Avoiding and managing debit is too hard.

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  1. the extra number 1 in the first paragraph wasn't suppose to be there

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    posted by erica p.
  2. In #1 --

    Delete the first or second sentence; they repeat each other.

    "stuff" is slang; what word can you use instead?

    Get rid of all instances of "you" and its forms. It's too informal for what you're writing.

    Get rid of the "My Aunt Martha..." sentence; it doesn't fit.

    Combine the "My dad" sentence and the "He didn't" sentence to blend related ideas.

    "stuff" - again; step-mom (needs a hyphen)

    with whom I don’t get along. <~~corrected

    Verb tense sequencing problems here: "If he would have had a will, I might have been able to start college sooner."
    If he had had a will, I might...

    These are repetitive: "But my dad didn’t have a will. A will is good and you need to get one. Do you have a will?"
    How can you end this paragraph better?

    Now you work on the rest and repost when you have made corrections.

    If you need help with phrasing and grammar, this index is excellent:
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index2.htm

    Focus on these problem areas:
    run-ons
    verb tenses
    primer language (avoiding)
    etc.

  3. thank you for your help

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    posted by erica p.
  4. You're welcome. Don't forget to post the other paragraphs when you are finished correcting them.

    =)

  5. ok, i will

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    posted by erica p.
  6. i miss read the assigmnent. i was suppose to read some paragraphs and Identify which paragraph was more effective and analyze why this is so.
    Include a discussion of sentence variety and the rhythm of the author’s writing. Focus on the writing rather than the opinions presented. Underline your topic sentence. out of the paragraphs i chose.

    MY paragraph:
    Paragraph five explained in detail about how hard it is to avoid and manage debt. The author gave superior examples about paying bills, going to the grocery store, and unexpected bills like car tags. He or she also included, that we are told to use cash instead of credit cards to stay out of debt. What if the use of a credit card, keeps us ahead according to the other bills and unexpected visits to the doctor? There are many stressors that can arise in daily life that we cannot predict. When someone tries to keep utility bills, and go to the grocery store there are other daily hassles that may arise, and no one may be ready for it. So, who ends up paying the extra bills if there is no more cash, and they are recommended not to use credit cards? Its extremely hard avoiding and managing debt, especially when no one knows how to pay that unexpected bill.

    i need to know if my writing is clear and flows in sequence.

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    posted by erica p.

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