pls, help me out(proofreading)

Hi. I wrote an essay about GATTACA, a movie which describes our future life. I tried to criticize the company's employment policy. pls, check my essay, focusing on the rationales.
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Due to the dramatic advances in genetic engineering, children can come to this world by parents' order without natural perception. And it is argued that private companies like GATTACA can maximize its profits by hiring genetically well-designed people who have less flaws. But, I disagree to the employment policy of the company.

Firstly, it creates a new type of discrimination and social disorder. Some may say that the company doesn't discriminate people based on ethnicity and race, however, it does based upon the flaws in one's genetic code which can be varied by the money put in the design process. The more money we have, the more chances we can use. So, it's another way of discrimination, weakening social solidarity of the citizens.

Secondly, the employment policy is violating human rights law. The law says we, human beings are created equal and we have the right to happiness. But the policy limits the chance of employment of the people who have genetic problems, though it's not evident the flaws in gene has bad effects on their productivity at work. And this limitation on job seekers infringes the right to happiness as well.

Finally, the regulation is not the best way to realize the biggest profits of the company. Given that CSR(Corporate Social Responsibility) has been regarded as one of the important strategies to raise customers' awareness and increase good images on companies since the beginning of this century, GATTACA should abolish the policy right now to maximize its profits and to secure its sustainable development.

In conclusion, GATTACA may insist that it created the unique employment policy in order to distinguish the candidates, to hire genetically well designed people, and eventually to get the biggest profits by raising their productivity at the company, however, it causes serious problems. The policy leads to discrimination, worsening social solidarity and it violates the basic human rights law, the right to happiness by limiting one's chance to live a happy life. What is more important to the company is that it can maximize its profits with a good CSR strategy and the strategy can guarantee company's sustainable growth. For these reasons, the policy should not be tolerated under any circumstances. I disagree to GATTACA's policy.



Because of the dramatic advances in genetic engineering, children can come to this world by parents' order without natural perception<~~do you mean “conception”?. And it is argued<~~what is “it”? better to indicate who is doing this arguing that private companies like GATTACA<~~how are you going to indicate what this is or what it stands for? You cannot assume that your reader will know what you are talking about. can maximize its profits by hiring genetically well-designed people who have fewer flaws<~~fewer flaws than whom?. But,<~~delete “But” and insert “However” I disagree with the employment policy of the company.

Firstly, it<~~what is “it”? creates a new type of discrimination and social disorder. Some may say that the company doesn't discriminate against people based on ethnicity and race, <~~delete comma; insert semicolon however, it<~~what is “it”? does based upon the flaws in one's genetic code which can be varied by the money put in the design process. The more money we<~~who are “we”? have, the more chances<~~chances?? we<~~who are “we”? can use. So, it's<~~what is “it”? another way of discrimination, weakening social solidarity of the citizens.

Secondly, the employment policy is violating human rights law. <~~are you sure these are “human” rights “laws”??? The law says we, <~~delete comma human beings are created equal and we have the right to happiness. <~~that sounds more like the wording in the US Declaration of Independence; try the UN statement* But the policy<~~what policy? limits the chance for employment of the people who have genetic problems, though it's not evident the flaws in gene have bad effects on their productivity at work. And<~~delete “And” this limitation on job seekers infringes on the right to happiness as well.

Finally, the regulation is not the best way to realize the biggest profits for the company. Given that Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) has been regarded as an important strategy to raise customers' awareness and increase good images on companies since the beginning of this century, GATTACA should abolish the policy right now to maximize its profits and to secure its sustainable development.

In conclusion, GATTACA may insist that it created the unique employment policy in order to distinguish the candidates, to hire genetically well designed people, and eventually to gain the biggest profits by raising their productivity at the company, <~~delete comma and insert semicolon however, it causes serious problems. The policy leads to discrimination, worsening social solidarity<~~add comma and violation of the basic human rights law, <~~?? the right to happiness by limiting one's chance to live a happy life. What is more important to the company is that it can maximize its profits with a good CSR strategy<~~add comma and the strategy can guarantee company's sustainable growth. For these reasons, the policy should not be tolerated under any circumstances. I disagree with GATTACA's policy.

http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html

=)


thanks a lot. it seems that you made it more clear(_ _)


You're very welcome. Sometimes it's hard, if not impossible, to proof your own work unless you ...

~~put it aside and don't look at it for 2-3 days or more, and
~~when you do start going over it, read it aloud -- to yourself, to your mom, to your cat, or ??

You can catch a lot of these errors by doing those two things.

=)


what is dis this did not help me this can LICK MY NINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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