The following is an essay that I am writing. The purpose is to tell a story about an epiphany you had in your life and how it has affected it. I am at a loss for ideas, and I am looking for any suggestions that could improve my writing. I appreciate any constructive criticism and thank you:
Six years ago life knocked me down when I was at my highest point, and it almost destroyed me. I was young and blissfully unaware of the hardships of life because, when you’re eight, the world is perfect. However, anyone you ask will tell you the world is unyielding; it will knock you down and keep you down if you let it. I learned this later in life and it was grueling to get back on my feet.
I was in the fifth grade when my dad had a heart attack. It happened right outside of my middle school. There was a park located nearby, and my dad had gone for a walk when he collapsed. My principal noticed this and acted fast. He performed CPR and called for an ambulance. I was in class so I had no idea what was occurring and after it happened, I was still ignorant. My mom decided not to tell us the truth, instead give us a fantasy.
“Your father just works very late and leaves early in the morning, before you wake up.”
To this day I question why she would do this. Although I trust she made the best call from her judgment. When he was recovering, she told us the real story. “Your dad had a heart attack and has been in the hospital for three days. He is better now and will be fine.”
I was in disbelief because of the heart attack itself, as well as, the misleading story my mom had given me. I had no idea something so grave had happened and even knowing he was going to be okay, I questioned and worried.
“What if something bad happened or he wasn’t going to recover?” I asked.
She simply responded, “I would have told you your father wasn’t going to be with us anymore.”
Those words rocked me to my core, because I had a really good relationship with my father, and if I lost him I would have been devastated. I did not focus on this traumatizing event and distracted my mind with other concerns. I did this because my father is a hardworking, considerate man and I didn’t want to think about how I almost lost this nurturing figure. He is kind and sharp and had never made me feel threatened; on the contrary, I felt nothing could hurt or touch me because of my father’s presence. That initial setback knocked me down, but by some miracle, my dad was going to be fine. The doctor suggested my dad take a few months off to rest, but he had a family that he needed to provide for, so he only took a few weeks. Still being optimistic, I thought we had averted the crisis and proceeded as if nothing had happened. My dad was getting back on his feet, we were living in a nice house, I had a lot of friends, and I was about to go to middle school.
Then, another blow to my life, my dad was fired from his job. We moved to Idaho from Los Angeles because my dad didn’t have a job to support my family. It took almost two days to get to Idaho and another two on the trip back, not to mention the time used unloading our stuff. Going from an urban city to a rural town was quite a big difference. It was so unexpected that we went to live with my uncle until we found a place. After saying goodbye to my friends in California and moving in with my uncle, I started my life again. I made new friends, met new people, and gradually adapted to the new environment. We even got our own house next to my uncle's house, and two years later we moved to a bigger and better one.
My time in Idaho was mostly spent in school and, for the most part, it was enjoyable. The time at home, however, was a different story. My siblings and I come home at three-thirty. My parents are both working so we are accompanied only by my grandma. My mom comes home around seven, with my dad following around an hour later. Typically, he complains about how we don't get off our phones or do anything productive. We dismiss his whining as the quotidian noise it has become, and continue our indolence. This cycle has transpired ever since we moved to our new house. It’s not like we don’t clean, we do, but my dad doesn’t think once a week is enough. This constant patronizing made the relationship between my father and me fragile, at best. He became more of a demanding overlord than a caring father. He argued that he is tirelessly working all day and should come home to a clean house. Even with both my parents working all day, money is tight, and we get by with the bare minimum.
Around a year ago, he comes home, sees the house is messy and loses it.
“The dishes are piling up, the kitchen is a mess, and the living room has a bunch of random stuff on the floor. I am sick and tired of coming home to a filthy house.”
He goes to wash the dishes, but my mom explains she was going to do it. For fear of the consequences, I won’t go into detail, but a scene plays out, and my dad storms into his room. He throws all his things in some bags and throws them into the back of his truck.
“I’m tired of this constant cycle.” He explains.
“It is clear you don’t want me here. So I will just leave you to your messy house.”
I was fine with him leaving and worried, mostly, about the finances. It was at this moment, contemplating how my life was going to continue after this, that I had an epiphany. Life had knocked me down and it wasn’t letting me get up. Ever since my dad had a heart attack I had been fighting to get back on my feet. One setback after the other, I was trying to stay afloat. My father did not leave that night and I was fortunate that that was the case. It would have destroyed me if he did, both physically and emotionally.
After this epiphany, I wanted to fight even harder to get back up. I knew this wasn’t going to be the last time something like this happened. I used it as motivation to push myself harder in hopes that I could finally stand up again. Even now I am not sure if I am getting up from my previous experiences or if I am on my feet. Nevertheless, I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
Overall, your essay effectively conveys the impact of a significant event in your life and how it affected your perspective. However, there are a few areas where you could further improve your writing. Here are some suggestions:
1. Start with a captivating and attention-grabbing introduction: Consider beginning your essay with a hook that immediately engages the reader's curiosity and makes them want to continue reading. This could be in the form of a thought-provoking question, a compelling anecdote, or a vivid description.
2. Provide more specific and vivid details: While you mention key events and emotions, try to incorporate more sensory details and specific examples to make your story come alive. For example, you could describe the sights, sounds, or physical sensations associated with the moments of your father's heart attack or the move to Idaho.
3. Reflect on your own growth and transformation: Discuss how these experiences and epiphanies have shaped you as a person and how they have influenced your actions, thoughts, or beliefs. Show how you have learned from these challenges and how they have impacted your life in a positive way.
4. Develop a clear structure: Consider organizing your essay into distinct sections or paragraphs that follow a logical progression. For example, you could discuss the initial shock of your father's heart attack, the subsequent move to Idaho, and the evolving relationship with your father.
5. Show, don't tell: Instead of simply stating how you felt or reacted, try to demonstrate these emotions through storytelling and dialogue. Show specific moments or conversations that had a profound impact on your perspective.
6. Utilize a writing style that is consistent and engaging: Strive to maintain a consistent tone throughout your essay, balancing personal reflection with a compelling narrative. It may also help to vary your sentence structure and use descriptive language to create a more engaging reading experience.
Remember to proofread your essay for grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors, as these can detract from the overall quality of your writing. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from a teacher, friend, or family member to gather constructive criticism and suggestions for improvement. Good luck with your essay!