This is my unfinalized poem, please check it and critique it. (Mainly for word choice.)
'A Gentle Night' by ❄ Snowflake ❄
In the horizon, the silver moon begins to rise.
Many think the night is full of darkness and demise.
But this night was so tender and of peace.
In the moon was a silhouette of graceful flying geese.
The dark sky was speckled with beaming stars.
On the road, there were no delirious noisy cars.
Serene and gentle like a mother's lullaby,
All you would do was dreamily sigh,
This was a gentle night,
It was a delightfully breathtaking sight.
Note: In stanza 2, is flying geese too unconventional or strange?
In the horizon, the silver moon begins to rise.
Many think the night is full of darkness and demise.
But this night was so tender and of peace.
In the moon was a silhouette of graceful flying geese.
The dark sky was speckled with beaming stars,
Shiner than a thousand gold bars.
Serene and gentle like a mother's lullaby,
A saintly song for the eye, ***still might change this?
The cool air dances with the shimmery stars gently,
The snow-white moon smiles and watches the night intently.
Note; Please do not be offended by any of these comments, rather take it as constructive criticism upon which you can work.
1) The geese are a little out of the blue. If you are to mention them, then you should focus the next stanza on them at least, to provide a focus, otherwise it seems to random/spontaneous, considering you were describing the imagery of the landscape.
2) The cars also seem a little unconventional, almost breaking the imagery of serenity and silence, by providing a modern city image to contrast it all. It almost breaks up the flow of your poem. Try something like "shinier than a thousand Arab dinars"
The phrase "All you would do was dreamily sigh" sounds a little wierd, and out of place. Try something like "Stimulating the sound of a dreamy sigh", or "a blessed song for the eye"
"This was a gentle night" is too short a line in the last stanza, compared to "It was a delightfully breathtaking sight."
It also isn't an effective ending for your poem. The last line should be powerful, try something creative and metaphoric. Add a twist to the end. Personify the landscape/night. You must feel as though you have seen it all, through your words. The reader will then already know that the sight is breathtaking, and there will be no need to say it. This is what is referred to as the "show-not-tell" technique.
Thank you so much for your response! This was really helpful to me.
About the geese:
I live in Canada (My username makes sense now, huh?), and flying geese are very common, even at night, which is why I added that. (My teachers also know this so they wouldn't mind that either.)
I get what you're saying with the car part, it really disturbs the peaceful rhythm of the poem. I like the 'a blessed song for the eye' but I might use something else.
I've been having some writer's block lately. I think personifying would really help, wouldn't it? That's my kind of poetic language, anyway. Sorry for rambling, and thank you. I'll put in my edited poem.
Actually i'll go with "a blessed song for the eye."
How's the edited poem?
'A Gentle Night' by ❄ Snowflake ❄
In the horizon, the silver moon begins to rise,
Many perceive the night as a realm of darkness and demise.
But this night was tender, wrapped in a cloak of peace,
Within the moon's glow, a silhouette of geese's graceful increase.
The dark sky adorned with sparkling stars so bright,
No cars on the road, no cacophony to incite.
Serene and gentle as a mother's lullaby,
Leaving you with naught but a dreamy sigh,
This was a gentle night,
A sight delightfully breathtaking, aroaring with delight.
Critique: Your poem captures the essence of a peaceful night with beautiful imagery and a soothing tone. In stanza 2, the phrase "graceful flying geese" is not unconventional or strange, but it could be enhanced by rephrasing it as "a silhouette of geese's graceful increase" or something along those lines, to evoke a sense of elegance and fluidity. Remember, poetry allows for creative word choices and unique metaphors. Overall, well done!