Checking for grammatical correctness. Thank you, in advance!!! - This is a thesis statement:
A father-daughter relationship helps define who we are today as it helps to shape the way we see things and deal with life in general, yet not all relationships are storybook material; some travel the spectrum from sheer happiness to the pits of hell to ultimately finding rest in a gray area of mutual tolerance.
...general, yet ...
That's a comma splice.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm#splice
... material; some ...
It would be far better to have two separate sentences here.
Dadgum comma splices get me every time!!! Unfortunately, we can only have one sentence for a thesis statement so I am desperately striving to make this work. - Would this be better?
A father-daughter relationship helps define who we are today as it helps to shape the way we see things and deal with life in general; yet not all relationships are storybook material, some travel the spectrum from sheer happiness to the pits of hell to ultimately finding rest in a gray area of mutual tolerance.
Orrrrrrr ....
A father-daughter relationship helps define who we are today as it helps to shape the way we see things and deal with life in general; yet not all relationships are storybook material and some travel the spectrum from sheer happiness to the pits of hell to ultimately finding rest in a gray area of mutual tolerance.
You need to make this shorter.
Study the changes made on this webpage, and try again.
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/thesistatement.html
PS -- This is another comma splice!
... storybook material, some travel ...
A few thoughts: are you writing the thesis statement before you have written the essay? Bad idea. What I read in your draft statement above is that you don't know what you want to say.
Do you want to make this point..."a father-daughter relationship helps define...", or
do you want to make this point..."not all relationships are storybook materials.."
or this point...."some ultimately finding rest in a gray area of..."
I suspect question is why you are stuck with commas, splicing together several thoughts, as you have not decided yet what you want to say. Commas, and semicolons, often are a nasty temptation to splice differing thoughts into one "sentence". Of course, it is difficult to read, and often leaves the reader wondering exactly what was the point.
The solution to this is easy. Write a draft essay without a written thesis. Write the essay using short sentences, punishing yourself for each sentence which has two commas.
Then read the essay: What was the point you really intended to make?
Then throw out all that other material which confuses.
NOW WRITE THE THESIS Statement. Then polish up your essay, often good writers write (or rewrite) the introductory paragraph (tell them what you intend to say) at this point, because what was before was full of superficial, off topic, materials.
Stick to your simple thesis. Use short sentences. Short sentences make points readers can understand, and remember.
Now your question.
The last is better, but IMO, you still are not telling me what will be your point. Please reread my above comments. My guess is that you are trying to write the thesis before you have written the essay. Bad idea.
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. I only wish I could write the thesis statement after the essay, however, the instructor has mandated thesis statements be written prior to beginning the essay. This is our final which begins in just a few minutes. We will be given three days to complete the assignment. Perhaps, I can go back and edit the statement on the third day. - The topic must do with something in life we have overcome. I was wanting to try and write about the journey of overcoming a bad relationship with my father, ultimately findind a place of contentment. - Well, I need to get into class. - Again, thank you for your help.
Bobpursley is correct.
If you don't have time to write the first draft of the essay, then at least have a decent outline BEFORE you write the thesis.
*finding ... :)
I have an outline in my head. I was hoping we could bring one in for the final, but we are not allowed to have anything prior except a thesis statement. I'll adjust it prior to the final day. Thank you both for your advice! - I remember Bob Pursley being helpful way back when I was in elementary school. I am now a junior, lol! You are each appreciated!!
Ok, you have to get through the final exercise. After it is over, reread what I wrote, and think on it, I suspect you will then realize your instructor has given your really bad ideas on how to write, and think. Part of growing is realizing some ideas wont work, have never worked, and really good ideas are hard to overcome very bad teaching.
A nice book available on the secondhand market, on how to write effectively, is this: Rudolf Flesch on Business Communications: How to Say What You Mean in Plain English. It was writen for business geeks, however, the principles are universal: How to say what you mean so the reader is clear.
That book is available for about three bucks at ABCBOOKS.com
So, my advice is to bear through your course, smile at the instructor, and accept that he has taught you wrong on how to form an essay, or how to go about thinking out an analysis. Defining specific thesis statements before you have analyzed is a very bad idea, and good writers, fiction, nonfiction, do not do that, ever.
My thougths right now are on Edward A. Poe, and his writing process, very similar to what I have outlined for you. Poe was the inspiration for Stephen King.
Now not to berate what your instructor is trying to teach you any longer, I offer this well thought out expose on Thesis statements and the process.
I wish you the best of luck. I have to tell you, I did not learn to write until well after college, they taught me very bad ideas.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/thesis.htm
The book Bobpursley mentioned:
http://www.abebooks.com/servlet/SearchResults?kn=how+to+say+what+you+mean+in+plain+english&sts=t&x=0&y=0