I have to write a "Descriptive essay" for my composition class and I need help proof reading my essay. This is the third draft I have done. I had to cut out over 400 words. The essay can be no more than 750 words. That is exactly how many I have right now. I have also included an outline. The instructor did not include a format for the outline. How did I do on it? What do I need to work on? is there anything I need to do to make this better?
After reading this essay would you say it is a "descriptive" essay or a "Narrative" essay?
Either way I have to write one of each for this class. The descriptive one is due in a week, while the narrative is due in two weeks.
I can not seem to understand the difference as the samples in my book all seem the same between the two types of essays.
Childbirth: God’s Greatest Gift
I soaked in the bath after a long day of bowling. The warm water covered me in a warm blanket of serenity. However, my belly protruded out of the water as if I was looking at a soft subtle hill off in the distance. Sounds of cars rumbled by intermittently. The smell of lavender filled the air from the lit candle on the counter. I was in complete heaven and in labor.
The contractions were starting to come more frequently. I enjoyed watching my belly tighten and release every three to five minutes, which continued for the duration of my three-hour escape from reality. Suddenly, a painful flash of lightning struck my lower back. Every couple of steps I took, the flash of lightning would return and forced my body to hunch like an old lady walking with a cane. I woke my husband, Tony, from his deep slumber, with one word, “Babe.” All 200 pounds of him jumped out of bed in one swift movement. His hair stuck straight up like he had just gone through a treatment of electroshock therapy. He grasped my hand and escorted me down the stairs, out the door, and to the car.
On the sixth floor of the hospital was a grand white suite. Antiseptic spray filled my nostril when we arrived. I did not mind the smell. Grand skyscraper-sized windows covered one wall of the room. Directly across from that was a door to my own personal en suite. A large Jacuzzi tub filled half the suite; calling my name. Another jolt of lightning hit, this time worse than before. All I could do was say, “Epidural please.”
Sitting off the corner of the oversized examination table, I hugged Tony for dear life. I felt a slight sting of the needle on the middle of my back, and everything went numb instantly. Looking up at Tony with a sigh of relief, I saw the look of horror on his face. His eyes and mouth were wide open, frozen in shock. I turned to see the anesthesiologist removing his white gloves with a look of success on his face.
As I laid down in the bed, a nurse in her fifties came in and placed a thick elastic cloth around my belly. Attached to the cloth was a thin circular disk that could read the baby’s heartbeat. A small monitor, next to the bed, allowed me to see my contractions, heart rate, and my son’s heartbeat. Suddenly a fast and repetitive whooshing sound filled the room. She had found his heartbeat. I rolled over and began to doze off to the sound of my son, Shane’s, heartbeat. It reminded me of an orchestra playing a soft melody.
Later I awoke to the feeling of pressure deep down in the pit of my stomach. The nurse peaked under the thin white sheet I had been using to keep warm; releasing all the heat I had accumulated during my sleep. I was fully dilated. The doctor walked in along with a crowd of ten to fifteen other medical professionals that had come to watch. He lifted the sheet. “Let’s try a test push.”
Spread eagle, Tony held my right leg and a nurse with the other, the doctor said to push. I had no idea what he meant. Holding myself up with my arms, I took a deep breath and pushed. It was like I was doing a crunch, contracting my abdominal muscles while holding my breath. I could feel nothing. On my final push, I took a deep breath like it was my last and started to push, when I felt a splash of warm, slimy liquid hit my cheek. “What the hell was that?” Flew out of my mouth abruptly. Then I heard the most heavenly sound. Shane’s first cry, soft and sweet to hear. It lasted only a few seconds as the nurse whisked him away to the changing table.
As I laid their waiting for the doctor to mending my wound, I was flooded with intense emotion. I felt immense love for a child I had never met. Tony walked Shane over to me holding him like a football all bundled up. When I held him in my arms for the first time I knew my life would change forever. This was a moment I would never forget. I was a mother! Childbirth is God’s greatest gift to women and I would not change that moment for the world.
Outline
I. Labor at home
A. Bath
B. Informing Tony
C. Getting ready to leave
II. Arrival at hospital
A. Hospital room
B. Epidural
C. Sleep/monitor
III. Labor at hospital
A. Nurse – full dilation
B. Doctor, with attendants
C. Push to delivery
IV. Conclusion/holding Shane
A. Emotions
B. Tony’s reaction
C. God’s greatest gift - Thesis
This is a narrative, and it's a good one.
Read this about narrative and descriptive essays, and let me know what you think.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/narrative.htm
I see it now; a narrative essay would explain/describe the complete process of childbirth. A descriptive essay would elaborate on maybe one aspect of childbirth, such as the contractions more in-depth; overly describing the contractions in every way, shape or form.
Is their any corrections you would make in the narrative essay that I wrote?
To help proofread your essay, I would need to see the actual essay text. However, based on the outline provided, I can offer some general feedback and suggestions.
1. The outline appears to have a logical structure with clear sections and sub-sections. This is a good starting point for organizing your essay. Make sure to follow this structure when writing the actual essay.
2. In the "Labor at home" section, be sure to vividly describe the sensory details of being in the bath and the overall atmosphere. This will help create a descriptive essay.
3. In the "Arrival at hospital" section, consider adding more details about the grand white suite and how it makes you feel. You can also mention any interactions or conversations with doctors or nurses to bring more life to the scene.
4. It would be helpful to expand on the experience of receiving the epidural in the "Epidural" sub-section. Describe the physical sensations, emotions, and any interactions with medical professionals.
5. In the "Labor at hospital" section, include more concrete details about the process of full dilation and what it feels like. Describe the room, the presence of the doctor and attendants, and the support from your husband and nurses.
6. When describing the actual delivery process in the "Push to delivery" sub-section, highlight the physical sensations, emotions, and the sound of the baby's cry. This will help create a descriptive and emotional scene.
7. In the "Conclusion/holding Shane" section, expand on the emotions you felt when holding your baby for the first time. Describe the physical sensations, the look on your husband's face, and the significance of the moment.
Based on the provided text, the essay appears to be more of a narrative essay because it tells a story of your personal experience. A descriptive essay, on the other hand, would focus more on describing specific details and sensory experiences related to childbirth without necessarily following a narrative structure.
To make this essay better, focus on adding more sensory details, using descriptive language, and amplifying emotions to create a vivid and engaging narrative. Also, consider exploring different narrative techniques and structures to add depth and originality to your storytelling.
Remember to proofread your essay for grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors before submitting it. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or your instructor to get different perspectives on your writing.
If you need further assistance or have additional questions, please let me know.