Write a 3-paragraph Biographical Essay. Discuss your experiences with summmer: the things you enjoyed and the things you missed about school.
I am beginning to simplfy my writting, as Bob suggested. However, I am going to sumbit the only the first paragraph first, so that I can revise (if you insist) one paragraph at a time.
What I have written for the first paragrpah: "A strong sense of freedom is one of my favorite things about summer. My freedom in summer lessens stress. It protects me from the pressure of the backlog of uncompleted school work. It shields me from the worry of disappointing grades and shoddy assignments. However, most of all, this sensation of freedom allows me to have fun. Therefore, to be free of homework, potentially poor grades, and disappointment is not only a relief but a wondrous joy, if only for a short period of time."
Good idea.
Here is an example of wordiness for you to work on. How will you get rid of the repetition?
... the pressure of the backlog of uncompleted school work.
Also, please note that "uncompleted" is not a standard word listed in many dictionaries:
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/uncompleted?s=t
I don't know. How should I revise this sentence so that there is no repetition?
... the pressure of incomplete homework.
or
... the backlog of incomplete homework.
Two "of" prepositional phrases in succession in one sentence is a big signal that one of them needs to GO!!
What if I replaced the adjointing "of" with an "and"?
No, never mind. I don't think the revision I suggested suits this sentence very well.
No. The point is to SHORTEN that sentence. Choose one ... pressure or backlog.
"It protects me from the pressure of uncompleted schoolwork."
incomplete
unfinished