I would for you to overlook my narrative essay, for corrections and your advice. The essay is not finished, but would like to know am I on the right path.
A Painful Moment
It was the summer of 1998; I was twenty years old celebrating the 4th of July with my brother the day before our grandmother birthday. Our Aunt Tammy held a family gathering at her house to celebrate both occasions together provided with food, music, and fireworks. My brother and I were very close we did everything together, but on this day after the family gathering we decided to hang-out with our friends. As I called my girlfriend to come get me from my Aunt house, my brother friend “Allen” arrived simultaneously to pick him up. We said goodbye and went our separate ways, but little did I know this would be the last time I would see my brother alive.
Now it’s July 5th the next day as I awoke to a conflict of emotion going through my mind. As time went on I continued to have an unsettling feeling of the something maybe wrong hibernating inside of me. I tried several times to contact my brother throughout the day but was unable to contact him. After talking with his friend Allen, I learned my brother was taken to our grandmother house yesterday and stayed the night there. Then I began to calm down as a huge sense of relief started to overcome me. Later on that day I received a call from my Uncle Ronny in regards to someone being hit by a car down the street from where our grandmother lives. I monitored the local news station for further information. Then it came across the news channel an unidentified man died from injuries suffered in a motor vehicle accident.
I think you mean you'd like someone to look over your essay. To overlook means something quite different!
http://www.answers.com/overlook
grandmother's
"to celebrate both occasions together provided with food" should be ...to celebrate both occasions, complete with food ...
hang out (no hyphen needed)
aunt's
OK, that's 4 major errors in the first 4 sentences ... time for you to go back through and correct things.
READ YOUR PAPER ALOUD TO SOMEONE, or ask someone to read it aloud to you. Wherever you or the reader stumbles, you know there's a big problem to fix.
Then re-post.
Thank you for sharing your narrative essay! I'd be happy to look it over and provide some feedback. However, since the essay is not yet finished, I can only provide feedback based on what you have written so far.
In the opening paragraphs, you establish the setting and context of your story. You mention the 4th of July celebration and the gathering at your Aunt Tammy's house. This helps to create a sense of time and place for the reader. Additionally, you introduce your close relationship with your brother, which sets up the central conflict of the story.
One suggestion I have is to pay attention to the organization and flow of your narrative. Make sure each paragraph or section is focused on one main idea or event, and transition smoothly between them. This will help your story unfold more clearly and effectively.
In the next section, you describe the day after the family gathering, when you and your brother went your separate ways. You mention calling your girlfriend and your brother's friend picking him up. This section effectively builds suspense and foreshadows the upcoming tragic event.
As the essay progresses, you describe the growing sense of unease and worry that you feel. This is a good way to convey your emotions and build tension in the story. However, I would suggest providing more specific details and using vivid language to engage the reader even further.
Towards the end of what you have written so far, you introduce the news of an unidentified man dying in a motor vehicle accident. This creates a sense of impending tragedy and leaves the reader with a cliffhanger. It's a strong way to end the section and leave the reader wanting to know more.
Overall, the narrative essay has potential and seems to be on the right path. To further enhance your essay, I would suggest focusing on clarity, organization, and adding more descriptive details to engage the reader and make the story more vivid. Keep up the good work!