English- evaluating essay

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I have write a evaluation essay on the movie Troop 1500. So my thesis is -Taking daughters to see their mothers in jail should be a program of it's own.-
I don't know if my topic sentence is correct:

One reason a program should be made separate for daughters who want to reconnect with their mothers is because not all girls want or is prepared to see their mothers.

The next reason there should be a separate program for daughters who want to reconnect with their mothers is it puts too much responsiblity on the girls and girl scouts.

  • English- evaluating essay -

    an evaluation ...

    its (not it's)

    Very wordy ... read these aloud and see how you will make them better:

    1. Not all girls want or is prepared to see their mothers.

    2. It puts too much responsiblity on the girls and girl scouts.

  • English- evaluating essay -

    Are these any better?

    I don't know if my topic sentence are correct:

    Negative affect on the amount of extra responsibility the girl scouts take on.

    Girl scouts has an age limit for not all girls can participate

    The social worker can focus better on just helping the girls and mothers with there relationship

    Not all the girls in the troop may be mature enough to take on the jail life of their mother.

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