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Can you review this rough draft of an outline for a persuasive essay and provide any feedback? Thanks in advance!

I. Introduction
Even though some feel as though a student having a credit card can teach financial responsibility, a credit card company should not be allowed to market to students on campus. Students are not mature enough to make such long term financial decisions and understand the link between long term financial hardships and early debt.

II. Students are not mature enough to make long term financial decisions.
1. The process of obtaining credit to too easy and most students will not
fully understand the terms.
A. Fees and associated costs are not easily understood and are often hidden in the fine print.
B. Belief that use now pay later is an easy way to obtain the things wanted vs. needed.
2. Effects of early established debt can lead to long term financial problems.
A. A negative credit file will follow a student for years to come.
B. A student will face the inability to obtain needed items such as transportation, supplies etc.
III. High debt load leads to devastating financial losses.
1. Bankruptcy filing on the rise among those of college students
A. effects of bankruptcy
B. Higher drop out rates
2. Inability to obtain insurance or loans
A. Relying on parents for basics
B. Unable to obtain leases
C. can affect personal relationships
IV. Alternatives available that can build strong credit history, provide financial resources.
1. Checking and savings accounts
A. Helps build history with banks.
B. reduces likelihood of negative credit
2. Smaller consumer loans available
A. Easy to understand terms
B. Short repayment terms
C. solid beginning to credit history

Eliminating the ability for credit card companies to market to college students on campus can only help ensure the financial security of students by removing the temptation to spend more than they can pay back and enabling the student to make smarter more financially sound decisions.

  • English -

    Much better, but I think you need to clarify which ONE SENTENCE is your thesis statement.

    Your ideas are fine. Use sections II, III, and IV to start drafting the body of your paper. Don't work on the intro and concl until the body of the paper is just right.

    If you want to post the paragraphs you draft for those three sections for feedback, feel free to do so.

  • English -

    Thank you so much! I wasn't sure on the thesis statement but that really helped clarify things for me.

  • English -

    For thesis statements:

    This is one of the very best places I've seen online to help students write good thesis statements. It shows you sentences that aren't thesis statements and how to turn each one into a real thesis statement.

    Just remember: Your thesis statement must include factual information plus your position/opinion/stance. Without your position on the topic, it isn't a true thesis statement. So think of this sentence as the angle you want to take on the topic and what you intend to prove by the end of your paper. (If your statement is simply factual, then there's nothing to prove!)

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