Would someone look over my paragraph and let me know if and where I need to make improvements
In Garrett Hardin's "Lifeboat Ethics", the paragraph that touched me the most is "Overloading The Environment". Hardin talks about India and how the population is continuously growing while the environment is being "overloaded". Hardin states "The country's forests are now only a small fraction of what they were three centuries ago" (420) This is happening all over the world today, the population is growing while the environment is being destroyed. The rain forest is consistently in danger and soon, there will be none left. This destruction is doing extreme harm to the environment and making it impossible for future generations to survive. Today their are many groups and organizations who fight to protect the rain forest because they know what will become of it in the future, however, not many seem to care.
Thanks!
It is hard to critique, because I don't know the purpose of the writing. Given that, the following things are flags to me:
First line "that touched me". Reword
Second line "Harkin talks..". Really,or did he write?
Third line why is overloaded in quotes?
Fifth line "This is .." What does the "this" refer to?
Seventh line: "will be none left". Hmmm, that is pretty strong. Do you have a cite for that?
Ninth line: "..impossible for..to survive" Really? Do you have a reference for that?
Ninth line: "Today their .." there
tenth line" "who fight.." They really fight? I would like to see that.
tenth line: "because they know.." who knows, the fighting people, or the forests?
Last line: become of it in the future. What does this mean? Many seem not to care? How did you make that conclusion, I don't see any development for that conclusion in the paragraph.
I enjoyed reading the paragraph.
Your paragraph is well-written, but there are a few areas where you can make improvements:
1. Clarify your main point: It's not entirely clear what your main argument or point is in this paragraph. Consider starting with a topic sentence that clearly states your main idea.
2. Provide more context: Before discussing what touched you the most in Garrett Hardin's "Lifeboat Ethics", it might be helpful to briefly summarize the overall argument of the essay. This can provide context for readers who may not be familiar with the essay.
3. Use specific evidence: Instead of simply stating that India's forests have decreased, you can provide more specific evidence or examples to support your point. For example, you could mention specific regions in India or statistics about deforestation rates.
4. Develop your ideas further: After mentioning the rainforest, you briefly state that it is consistently in danger without further explanation. Consider elaborating on why the rainforest is important, the specific threats it faces, and how its destruction would impact the environment and future generations.
5. Cultural sensitivity: Be cautious when discussing other countries or cultures. Instead of making broad generalizations like "not many seem to care", consider acknowledging that there may be different perspectives or efforts within a country or society to address environmental concerns.
By considering these suggestions, you can make your paragraph more engaging, informative, and persuasive.