English

posted by .

I am working on a descriptive paragraph about a time when I was sick. It's not a whole story. Just a paragraph on how you felt at the starting. I remember getting sick somwhere at the end of Feb. I remember catching the stomach flu~ vomiting; Friday night. My paragraph is down below, and I'll appreciate any changes from you, thanks. I want to make my writing really high levelish. I want the intro to be good, the middle details to be good, and the ending to be good as well.

I want my pragraph to fit this:

The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.


"Sick all over"

I awakened from my dream, and found myself to be sweating. I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the pain. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. A volcano was erupting within me; I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom and not going back to bed. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had, and then we all went back to bed. My parents suggested to me that I take gravel, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.


All your suggestions and help will be greatly appreciated. I tried to come up with a good title, but if you have any better ideas, then please suggest them onto here, as well as the intro.

  • English -

    Please take all your time to go throught this. I want it to be edited well, thanks :-)

  • English -

    This is very good, Sara. I wonder about taking "gravel," though. What is "gravel" in this context?

  • English -

    Sorry, I mean taking "Gravol"

    Does my pragraph fit this:

    The paper is superior and may draw upon any number of factors, such as maturity of style, depth of discussion, effectiveness of argument, use of literary and/or rhetorical devices, sophistication of wit, or quality of imagination. This composition exhibits an effective writing style and a sophisticated use of language.

    I changed it a bit. Could you please edit it, I'll accept any changes made by you.:-)

    I awoke from my dream sweating with? I tried to go back to sleep, but was unable to. I knew that something was wrong; I had never woken up during a dream, unless if it was a nightmare of course. I tried to scrunch up my body to get rid of the ache. I kept on swallowing and swallowing; each time more rapidly. I knew that a volcano was about to erupt, so I ran to the bathroom and let it blow out. I felt like I was going to die right there. I wasn’t in the mood to go back to sleep. I felt like staying in the bathroom by the sink. My parents got up as well, and asked me if something was the matter. I told them that I caught the flu my siblings had. My parents suggested to me that I take gravol, but I was too weak to, and went back to bed. My parents quickly fell asleep, while I was still awake with the stomach pain. I somehow fell asleep later on, praying not to break loose from my dreams again.

  • English -

    Sorry I meant staying in the bathroom by the toilet.

  • English -

    Yes, it fits the requirements.

    I suggest, though, that you let it sit a day or two (if you have time) and let your mind mull it over.

    My husband was an author and always let his work sit a day or two before editing and reediting it.

  • English -

    Alright, thank you :-)

  • English -

    You're welcome. :-)

Respond to this Question

First Name
School Subject
Your Answer

Similar Questions

  1. English

    1. What makes our earth sick? Gases from cars make the earth sick. Paper cups make the earth sick. _________ make(s) the earth sick. _________ make(s) the earth sick. (Would you name what makes the earth sick?
  2. English

    What makes our earth sick? - Steel cans make the earth sick. - Shampoo makes the earth sick. - Empty bottles make the earth sick. - Plastic bags make the earth sick. - ___________ make/makes the earth sick. (Are the answers all grammatical?
  3. English

    1. He is sick. 2. He has sickness. 3. He has sick. 4. He has a sickness. 5. He has a sick. (Hello. I have a question. #1 is correct, but what about the others?
  4. English

    When writing a story where the characters are talking, is it a new paragraph each time a different character speaks?
  5. Story 'the necklace ' by guy de Maupassant

    Describe how u felt about Mathlide at the beginning of the Story , and how u felt about her at the end . Just 3 sentences plz. I wrote a few things
  6. English

    The school nurse's sick note is on the table. (What is 'sick note'?
  7. English 1

    We have to write a paragraph in the boy's point of view from a excerpt of a story we read in class. He is a Jewish boy being hung from whatever he did. It doesn't say. How can I write how he felt and be descriptive?
  8. English

    Identify the sentence that uses the present perfect progressive tense correctly. A. Charlene is feeling sick today. B. Charlene was sick. C. Charlene has been feeling sick lately. D. Charlene feels sick. C
  9. English

    I need to make a syllogism for an advertisement. I choose to use Dayquil's moms don't take sick days Is this a good syllogism ?
  10. English

    1. At the age of nine years old, he became too sick. 2. At the age of nine years, he became too sick. 3. At the age of nine, he became too sick. 4. At nine, he became too sick. 5. At nine years old, he became too sick. 6. At nine years …

More Similar Questions