Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for which you might want to apply
at a particular business or organization in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your paragraph and enable you
to write a polished paragraph.
This is my first draft. Is this correctly written for my assignment?
I am extremely excited about beginning my medical transcription career with you at Mayo Health Systems and look forward to making a positive impact in the lives of your patients. Very often it isn’t thought about, while your Dr. is looking at your chart in the hospital, the work that is behind making sure that the chart is accurate. My dad has recently battled and won his fight against cancer, which wouldn’t have been done without his amazing team. An important part of this team was the medical transcriptionists working behind the scenes making sure that his medical records were accurate, through, and prompt. Being inspired by this fact, I looked further into the career of medical transcription and became enthused to join ranks in this vital profession. In this fast paced career I could make a contribution that would affect peoples’ lives. I started my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. With the education I have gained, and the enthusiasm for the profession I have chosen, I know that I can be a vital part of the Mayo Health Systems team serving your patients.
Some suggestions:
Either spell out "Dr." in lower case or use "physician." Put that whole phrase at the beginning of the sentence. The "it" in that sentence has an unclear referent, so it might be better to use the noun "it" is referring to.
Since a new paragraph indicates a change in time, place, person or idea. "My dad...." starts a new idea. However, if it must be one paragraph, you can use a transitional phrase, something like "I first realized this when my my dad recently battled...."
"...amazing medical team."
"Inspired by this, I looked into... became enthused about this vital profession." (for conciseness)
(New Paragraph?) "I started...." Or you can say something like "To do so, I trained at Penn Foster...." as a transition.
"... have gained and the enthusiasm...." (no comma)
I hope this helps.
I am extremely excited about beginning my medical transcription career with you at Mayo Health Systems and look forward to making a positive impact in the lives of your patients. While your doctor is looking at your chart in the hospital, it isn’t often that a patient thinks about the work involved to make sure that their chart is accurate. I first realized this immense task when my dad recently battled and won his fight against cancer, which could not have been done without his amazing medical team. An important part of this team was the medical transcriptionists working behind the scenes making sure that his medical records were accurate, through, and prompt. Inspired by this fact, I looked further into the career of medical transcription and became enthused to join ranks in this vital profession. In this fast paced career I could make an important contribution that would affect peoples’ lives. To do so I started my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania. My training has involved taking courses in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. With the education I have gained and the enthusiasm for the profession I have chosen, I know that I can be a vital part of the Mayo Health Systems team serving your patients.
Your paragraph is a good start, but there are a few areas where you can make improvements to make it more polished and suitable for your assignment. Here is a step-by-step revised version of your paragraph:
Step 1: Begin with a strong opening sentence that expresses your enthusiasm and states the specific job you are applying for.
"I am thrilled to apply for the position of medical transcriptionist at Mayo Health Systems and am eager to contribute to the well-being of your patients."
Step 2: Provide some background information on why you are interested in this career and how it relates to your personal experience.
"A personal experience that deeply inspired me and guided me towards pursuing a career as a medical transcriptionist was my father's battle with cancer. Witnessing the importance of accurate medical records managed by a dedicated team of transcriptionists impressed upon me the critical role they play in patient care."
Step 3: Emphasize the value you would bring to the team and the profession.
"Fueled by this experience, I embarked on comprehensive training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania, where I acquired essential knowledge in Office Procedures, Body Systems and Terminology, Basic Pharmacology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Medical Transcription. This education, coupled with my unwavering enthusiasm for the profession, equips me to be a valuable asset to the Mayo Health Systems team in serving your patients."
Step 4: Convey your commitment to making a positive impact and your understanding of the importance of accuracy in medical records.
"I am passionate about the fast-paced nature of the medical transcription field, as it allows me to contribute to the lives of patients by ensuring the accuracy, thoroughness, and promptness of their medical records. I recognize that meticulous attention to detail and professionalism are essential in this role, and I am fully committed to upholding these standards."
Step 5: Wrap up with a strong concluding statement that reiterates your excitement and willingness to contribute to the organization's success.
"I am honored at the prospect of joining the Mayo Health Systems team and am eager to bring my skills, dedication, and compassion to this important position. Thank you for considering my application, and I am confident that my passion and qualifications make me an ideal candidate for the medical transcriptionist role."
By following these steps, you will create a more coherent and well-rounded paragraph that effectively conveys your enthusiasm, personal motivation, and suitability for the position.
Your draft is a good starting point, but there are a few things you can do to improve it for your assignment. Here are some suggestions:
1. Begin with a strong and attention-grabbing opening sentence that introduces the topic and captures the reader's interest. For example, you could say something like, "The experience of watching my father battle and overcome cancer has inspired me to pursue a career in medical transcription and join the esteemed team at Mayo Health Systems."
2. Be mindful of your tone and language. While you want to convey enthusiasm, it is important to maintain a formal and professional tone throughout your paragraph. Avoid using contractions (e.g., "isn't") and informal language (e.g., "enthused").
3. Provide more specific details about the position you are applying for. Describe the responsibilities, skills, and qualifications required for the job. This will show that you have researched and understand the role you are applying for. For example, you could mention that you are applying for the position of a medical transcriptionist at Mayo Health Systems, and highlight the importance of accurate and timely medical records in patient care.
4. Instead of simply stating that you started your training at Penn Foster Career School and took specific courses, explain how this training has prepared you for the position you are applying for. For example, you could mention that the courses you took have given you a solid foundation in office procedures, medical terminology, and confidentiality, which are crucial skills for a medical transcriptionist.
5. Connect your personal experience with your career choice more explicitly. Explain how witnessing your father's medical journey and the work of medical transcriptionists have shaped your passion and determination to make a positive impact in the lives of patients.
Here's a revised version of your paragraph based on these suggestions:
"I am thrilled at the prospect of contributing to Mayo Health Systems as a medical transcriptionist and making a meaningful difference in the lives of patients. The experience of witnessing my father's triumphant battle against cancer has deeply inspired me to pursue a career in healthcare administration, specifically in medical transcription. Through collaborating with an incredible team of medical professionals, I realized the crucial role played by medical transcriptionists in ensuring accurate and prompt medical records. This realization ignited my passion for joining the ranks of this vital profession. With my training at Penn Foster Career School, where I completed comprehensive courses in office procedures, medical terminology, basic pharmacology, confidentiality of allied health, and medical transcription, I am well-prepared to be an invaluable asset to the Mayo Health Systems team. I am eager to apply my newly acquired knowledge and enthusiasm to enhance the quality of patient care, just as it was done for my father. I am confident that my dedication and commitment will enable me to thrive and successfully contribute to the exceptional healthcare services provided by Mayo Health Systems."
Remember to proofread your paragraph for grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors before submitting it.