lang

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can u please proof read this?
My sister had really wanted an X-box 360, but my mom had told her it was too expensive, and if she really wanted it, she could go and buy it herself. She’s only 10 years old, so no one actually expected her to go out and actually get one, but that didn’t stop her. She would do anything to get her hands on one. She’s too young to walk by herself, so my mom told me to go with her. I had a big fight with my mom explaining that my sister really doesn’t need one, and more importantly, I shouldn’t be forced to go with her, but sure enough, I got forced into taking her. As we were walking, I had asked my sister if she actually had enough money to buy even buy one. She had told me she did, and I didn’t really need to go with her all the way there. She is a really smart kid, so I trusted her. So I started back on my way home, and waited for her on the front porch. Hours had passes, but still no sign of my little sister. I decided to go inside and tell my mom what happened. Things were now getting serious. I was listening to my mom describing my sister to the police on the phone, and they told us to look on the news. I knew something was very wrong, and I was shaking like crazy, trying to find the remote. Then, there was a blank stare on my mother’s face. I looked at the T.V. and almost fainted. I couldn’t feel anything in my body. There, I saw my sister, hanging from a tree in the forest, with “GIRL FOUND DEAD” as the caption.

I felt as if it was all my fault, if I would have stayed with her, this would have never happened. After about an hour, my mom could finally talk. “Did you do this?” she asked me. “Of course not!” I said in shock, “Why would I do that to my own sister?” “You’re right,” she said, reassuring herself, “Then who would have done this?” My mom and I decided to go down to the video game store, to see if someone could tell us something they might have saw. We asked the guy at the desk, who said he saw her earlier, but didn’t know where she went. However, he did say that she didn’t have enough money for the X-box 360 she wanted, she looked pretty mad. “Maybe she committed suicide!” I told my mom as we walked out the door. “Please, she’s 10; she could even reach that tree branch!” my mom replied. “Hey, where’s dad?” I asked. “Come to think of it, he was supposed to come home two hours ago” my mom said, suspiciously. My mom and I got home as fast as possible, to find my dad, sitting on the couch with blood all over his hands. “It’s not what it looks like, I swear I didn’t do anything, come on, you have to believe me!” My mom and I slowly backed up, fidgeting with the doorknob. “Please, let me explain!” My mom and I ran out the door, and drove to the forest where my sister was, and the police were there. “He’s after us all!” we shouted. “Please ladies, calm down, we know who killed your daughter,” the police said calmly. “We already know, and he’s after us! My own husband!” my mom screamed.” It wasn’t your husband, it was the guy at the video store, and turns out he’s the murderer we have been looking for!” We looked at all the surveillance tapes at the store it seems he has killed every child who goes in the video store; he will be locked up for a real long time.” “But, my husband, his hands were all ... Bloody!” my mom told them. “He wanted to hold her hand one last time,” the officers said, sadly. “We are sorry for your loss, but there is nothing to worry about now!” So, my mom and I went home, and sat by the campfire with my father, mourning the loss of my little sister, but remembering how important family is.

  • lang -

    it looks great and im sorry for your loss

  • lang -

    noo its ot real its a mystery story for school! and thx:)

  • lang -

    i have to have 4 for tom but i cant think of anything. ideas??

  • lang -

    any ideas at all??

  • lang -

    My sister had really wanted an X-box 360, but my mom had told her it was too expensive, “and if she really wanted it, she could go and buy it herself.” --- this part really makes your mom sound like a cold person... She is only 10 years old, so no one actually expects her to purchase it, but she is persistent to get one. My sister will do anything to get an X-box 360. She is too young to walk by herself, so that my mom demanded me to accompany her. I had a big fight with my mom explaining that my sister really does not need an X-box 360, so that I can avoid accompanying my sister. However, I was forced to walk with my sister. During the trip to the store, I asked her if she had enough money to buy it. She told me she can afford the console system, and I do not need to go with her all the way there. She is a smart kid, and I trust her. I started back on my way home, and waited for her on the front porch. I waited for her for a couple of hours and my sister did not come home. Then, I told my mom. I knew something was wrong when my mom called the police explaining what has happened. The police told my mom to watch the news, and I started to look for the remote nervously. I turned on the television, and I immediately looked at my mom. Her face turned pale! Then, I looked at the screen. I saw my sister hanging from a tree in the forest with the caption, “GIRL FOUND DEAD”. My mom and I could not believe what has happened. We were in shock.

    --> Only did the first paragraph because I didn't really want to read more about your fictional dead sister... really sad...

  • lang -

    it is pretty sad.. do u tihnk i should change it??

  • lang -

    and thank u:)

  • lang -

    ideas for other stories??anyone??

  • proofread -

    My sister had really wanted an X-box 360, but my mom had told her it was too expensive, and if she really wanted it, she could go and buy it herself. She’s only 10 years old, so no one actually expected her to go out and actually get one, but that didn’t stop her. She would do anything to get her hands on one. She’s too young to walk ("go shopping" is more specific and clearer imagery.) by herself, so my mom told me to go with her. I had a big fight with my mom Comma explaining that my sister really doesn’t need one, and more importantly, I shouldn’t be forced to go with her, (For emphasis and to avoid very long sentences, start new sentence, without "but".) but sure enough, I got forced into taking her.

    A new paragraph indicates a change in time, place person or ideas.

    As we were walking, I had asked my sister if she actually had enough money to buy even buy one. She had told me she did, and I didn’t really need to go with her all the way there. She is a really smart kid, so I trusted her. So I started back on my way home, and waited for her on the front porch.

    Hours had passesd, but still no sign of my little sister. I decided to go inside and tell my mom what happened. Things were now getting serious. I was listening to my mom describing my sister to the police on the phone, and they told us to look on the news. I knew something was very wrong, and I was shaking like crazy, trying to find the remote. Then, there was a blank stare on my mother’s face. I looked at the T.V. (no periods) and almost fainted. I couldn’t feel anything in my body. There, I saw my sister, hanging from a tree in the forest, with “GIRL FOUND DEAD” as the caption.

    I felt as if it was all my fault, if I would have stayed with her, this would have never happened. After about an hour, my mom could finally talk. “Did you do this?” she asked me. “Of course not!” I said in shock, “Why would I do that to my own sister?” “You’re right,” she said, reassuring herself, “Then who would have done this?”

    My mom and I decided to go down to the video game store, to see if someone could tell us something they might have saw. We asked the guy at the desk, who said he saw her earlier, but didn’t know where she went. However, he did say that she didn’t have enough money for the X-box 360 she wanted, (no comma "and")she looked pretty mad.

    “Maybe she committed suicide!” I told my mom as we walked out the door. “Please, she’s 10; she could even reach that tree branch!” my mom replied. “Hey, where’s dad?” I asked. “Come to think of it, he was supposed to come home two hours ago” my mom said, suspiciously.

    My mom and I got home as fast as possible, to find my dad, sitting on the couch with blood all over his hands. “It’s not what it looks like, I swear I didn’t do anything, come on, you have to believe me!” My mom and I slowly backed up, fidgeting with the doorknob. “Please, let me explain!” My mom and I ran out the door, and drove to the forest where my sister was, and the police were there. “He’s after us all!” we shouted. “Please ladies, calm down, we know who killed your daughter,” the police said calmly. “We already know, and he’s after us! My own husband!” my mom screamed.” It wasn’t your husband, it was the guy at the video store, and turns out he’s the murderer we have been looking for!”

    "We looked at all the surveillance tapes at the store it seems he has killed every child who goes in the video store; he will be locked up for a real long time.” “But, my husband, his hands were all ... Bloody!” my mom told them. “He wanted to hold her hand one last time,” the officers said, sadly. “We are sorry for your loss, but there is nothing to worry about now!”

    So, my mom and I went home, and sat by the campfire ("campfire"? do you live outside? Unclear imagery.) with my father, mourning the loss of my little sister, but remembering how important family is.

    I hope this helps a little more. Thanks for asking.

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