Language Arts

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could you review this poem for me? thanks :)
On a bright sunny day,
out in the open street
I saw the murderer
and our eyes did meet
I tried to run away
but my fear gave away
And sadly I admit,
that was my last day.

  • Language Arts -

    it is a litle sad but still good

  • Language Arts -

    thanks!

  • Language Arts -

    I actually had to make a poem and i made this as a last minute but since it was a pretty big grade,so i had to have someone review it :)

  • Language Arts -

    ok np :D

  • Language Arts -

    First line I would delete "bright"... it means the same thing as sunny and it has too many syllables.

    In the second line I oule delete "out", to match the beat of the first line.

    In the third line, I would change murderer to " my fate". Fate could be anything... and would make the poem more interesting.

    Fourth line, delete "and"

    Fifth line delete "away" , that is redundant.

    The last two line will work fine!!! Good idea.

  • Language Arts -

    ooohh thanks alot!!
    i will definitely take all that advice :D
    thanks again!!!! you don't realize how you've saved my grade!!

  • Language Arts -

    On a sunny day,
    In the open street
    I saw my fate,
    our eyes did meet
    I tried to run
    but my fear gave away
    And sadly I admit,
    that was my last day

    sound better with your advice?

  • Language Arts -

    i definitely think so

  • Language Arts -

    Very nice revisions, GuruBlue. (: Yes, much better, Kinza. I especially like how you changed murderer to my fate.

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