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In conclusion, I believe the University of Maryland offers a wonderful opportunity for me for me to experience a mix of quality education and a richly diverse environment. At the University of Maryland, I expect to be involved in a wide variety of clubs and organizations on campus. Through my involvement in campus activity, I can add my own individuality on different matters in order to expand and improve the community.

- Hey, I'm trying to write the conclusion for my college essay (look at "Essay#4" below for the entire essay.
- I feel like i need a real GREAT conclusion to backup this essay.
- Which parts should I mention, and what can I say that will make the essay readers "wow'd"?
- P.S. Sorry for reposting so many times, I just really want to get into this school (its my first choice), and my GPA/SAT is only average.
- P.P.S. I'm going to need to shave 20 words off of the essay to meet the 500 words or less requirement, so that's the next thing i'm going to be posting about.

  • Essay#4 CONCLUSION -

    A "great"college admittance essay tells
    1) What you can do for the college, ie, how you fit in
    2) and what college can do for you. The college is in the business of education, so social activities are not high on the agenda, at least in first rate colleges. Sports are a notable exception at most schools.

    I think I would focus on what I could do for the University, maybe by changing the second and third sentence to
    " While at the University of Maryland, I expect to be actively involved in campus activities, with the goal of serving others in order to be prepared to later improve the world."

    The first sentence needs to be stronger on the educational aspect. Perhaps

    The University of Maryland offers me the opportunity to achieve a first rate disciplined mind, with sensitivity to other people's culture and thinking."

    Good luck.

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