proofread

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Can someone please proofread this before i email it to school metro's director Mr. Thomas LeMera

Hey LeMera, my name is Bryan Martin and I’m email you to require more information on your school. I am a senior in high school in temple hills MD. I'm interested in becoming a mobile electronics certified installer in hopes of opening my own business. Can you fill me in on what your school is like so I can further determine if your school is right for me.

  • proofread -

    This is FAR too informal!! Here's my suggested revision:

    Hello, Mr LeMera.

    I am requesting information about your school. I am a senior in high school in Temple Hills, MD. I'm interested in becoming a mobile electronics certified installer and plan to eventually open my own business.

    Please let me know what your school is like so I can determine if your school is right for me.

    Thank you in advance for your time.

    Bryan Martin
    youremailaddress@whatever.com


    If you write an email to someone of this stature the way you write emails to your friends, you won't be taken seriously. Remember to use formal language in formal situations; informal language is find for your pals, but not adults!

    =)

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