college essay first question

posted by .

this is the question about taking advantage of educacation.

now this paragraph sounds so simple. can you give me examples on how to improve it. and in the bracket, how can i write that in a better way. it sounds confusing


As a high school student for three years and going on my fourth, I have taken advantage of many great opportunities in my education to grow as a person and a student. During the years of my high school, I have taken some Honors and AP classes, which gave me a chance to work more closely with teachers one-on-one [than I did when I took regular classes]. Since AP and Honors classes size are pretty small, I had gotten more help after or before school from my teachers with my work. My teachers really took time out of their busy schedule to make sure every one was on top of it and didn’t slack of. Usually, teachers that teach regular classes have so many students all together, they don’t have time to talk with each student one at a time, but together as a group. As a person, I have learned to take spare time out of my schedule to give to the community. Helping my community has made me a better person. It’s good to take some time on weekends and get involved in issues and getting to know people in my neighborhood.


Hi. Here are some pointers:

- try not to start a sentence (or especially a paragraph) with "As". Maybe something more like: "I have taken advantage of many opportunities that my high school has offered to help me grow as a student as well as a person."
-"During the years of my high school" might sound better as "During my high school career"
-be careful with plurals: "Since AP and Honors class sizes are small..."
-"gotten" isn't bad, but "received" sounds better
-for "was on top of it and didn't slack of" you should be careful when using vague terminology like "it" and also avoid spelling errors (e.g., "of" should be "off"). Another thing to worry about are contractions. When writing a formal letter like ones for college, try avoiding contractions such as "didn't" and write the whole phrase out.
-this run-on sentence should be revised: "Usually, teachers that teach regular classes have so many students all together, they don�t have time to talk with each student one at a time, but together as a group." The previous sentence is not only grammatically incorrect, but it doesn't flow very well. I think it would sound better if it were something closer to: "Teachers who teach regular classes rarely have time to tutor individual students."
-this sentence also needs improvement: "As a person, I have learned to take spare time out of my schedule to give to the community." This makes it sound like the teachers who you were referring to earlier aren't people. You need a lead in for this sentence.
-"give to the community" is too vague. Since you're answering a question regarding education, you should briefly describe how, who, where, what, and how long you've tutored.
Good luck!


I agree on the helping community. That is an important part, but you failed to mention even one specific item. The issue here is what have you done to improve yourself and help others? You whined about teachers taking the time to help you: What have you done to help others? Helping others is a valuable educational opportunity.
Expand on the community service.
This paragraph is much better than the last. Good job.


Once you've rewritten the paragraph, be sure to re-post it for more feedback.

=)

Respond to this Question

First Name
School Subject
Your Answer

Similar Questions

  1. AVID

    this is about cornell note taking...i'm done taking notes but i'm having trouble with the summary and the question area...i don't know what to ask ....for the question part...so can u help?
  2. college essay number one help

    how have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare/ hi can you just give me like the first three or five words so i can start. i mean, i have looked at websites and i read the guidelines on how to …
  3. Question about college application

    I had submitted a college application essay three days ago, but after I submitted it, I felt so uncomfortable with that one, because the essay was so bad, but I had to do that, it was the last day for priority application. Since I …
  4. english

    for my extended essay i need help reword a question. right now it sounds like a "book report" type question and i need it to a question where i can prove it. Here it the question: Has foot binding effected the culture of Chinese women …
  5. English :D

    I'm writing an essay about medical experiments and the doctors in the Holocaust. I don't need help with the essay, which I can write myself, but the thesis statement is confusing me. What am I trying to prove about the topic?
  6. HISTORY

    (This homework question was removed due to a copyright claim submitted by K12 Inc.) You do NOT have to write me my paragraph, but what I would like is for you to answer each question next to a bullet-point so I can write my paragraph. …
  7. HISTORY

    Write a short paragraph that traces the rise of Japan from an isolated society to a major industrial and imperial power. I have to write an essay, so if you can write me a short paragraph that answers and summarizes my question, then …
  8. help me to construct this in a good essay

    English 101AYR has now been in session for four weeks. In at least one full screen (one paragraph rather than an essay), answer the following question: Has your opinion about hybrid courses changed from day one to today?
  9. writing (persuasive essay)

    Hi. I'm in 10th grade and our teacher assigned us a persuasive essay to write in class over a topic that we debated about for the last two weeks. Every team had a different topics (mine was school should start from 11 am. to 5 pm), …
  10. English

    Which of the following is a good test-taking strategy when answering an essay question?

More Similar Questions