is this good U.S. History essay

John D. Rockefeller, Cornelius Vanderbilt, Andrew Carnegie were all big business leaders in the 1800s. Some Americans viewed these business leaders as “robber barons” but others saw them as “Captains of industry”. People classified Rockefeller as “Captains of industry,” Cornelius Vanderbilt as a “Robber Baron,” and classified Andrew Carnegie as both “Robber Baron” and “Captains of industry.”
John D. Rockefeller was born July 8, 1839 and died on May 23, 1937. Rockefeller is the son of William Avery and Eliza Davison. He entered the business oil in 1863 by “investing in a Cleveland, Ohio, refinery” (John D. Rockefeller). In 1870, he created Standard Oil; by 1880, it controlled “90 percent of U.S. refineries and pipelines” (John D. Rockefeller). By 1890, Rockefeller's company was at the top of the industries and making high profits. "These profits were used to buy out competitors” (John D. Rockefeller). John D. Rockefeller practiced horizontal integration to deal with competition by enlarging his business by buying rival refineries and companies that produced the same product. To organize his business John D. Rockefeller bought out most of Cleveland’s refiners, then those in New York, Pittsburgh, and Philadelphia(Career Details John D. Rockefeller).

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  1. What is your thesis statement?

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    Ms. Sue
  2. that Rockefeller is captain of industry, Vanderbilt is Robber Baron and Carnegie is both.

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  3. OK.

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    Ms. Sue
  4. is the paragraph that starts with John D. Rockefeller was born.. good?

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  5. Yes.

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    Ms. Sue
  6. i have another paragraph i'm working on i'll post it latter

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  7. also does my paragraphs have the following

    birth and death date, early life, business started out and eventually rise, how he organized his business/new invention, how he treated his competition, overall business practices and philanthropy

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  8. You don't have anything about his early life. Everything else is fine.

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    Ms. Sue
  9. i have about his family that's it

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  10. what about

    Andrew Carnegie was born November 25, 1835 and died August 11,1919. He was born in Dunfermline, Scotland, the second son of Will and Margaret Carnegie. When he was twelve years old he immigrated to the United States. Between 1865 and 1870 "Carnegie co-founded his first steel company maximizing profits and minimizing inefficiencies through ownership of factories”(Andrew Carnegie). After Carnegie sold his company to J.P. Morgan he committed his time to philanthropy. People viewed Andrew Carnegie as both “Captain of Industry” and “Robber Baron” because he supported many philanthropies such as donating to support education and build public libraries. But they also described him as robber baron because he made employees work long hours for cheap labor.

    does it have all the requirements i have two more paragraphs

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  11. Yes. This is good.

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    Ms. Sue
  12. my next paragraph jiskha won't let me put it

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  13. what can i write for the conclusion?

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  14. http://www.writing.ucsb.edu/faculty/donelan/concl.html

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    Ms. Sue
  15. These three business leaders changed they way business is today. They showed how you can expand your business using vertical and horizontal integration. Its surprising how they each came from different places, different background yet they basically did the same thing being business tycoons from the 1800s.

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  16. Your conclusion doesn't support your thesis statement.

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    Ms. Sue
  17. These three business leaders changed they way business is today. John D. Rockefeller was a captain of industry for all the philanthropy he contributed, Andrew Carnegie was both for his philanthropy but also for his hard and cheap labor. Cornelius Vanderbilt is Robber Baron for cheap labor, not really contributing in philanthropy and not respecting the right of mankind.

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  18. That's much better.

    :-)

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    Ms. Sue
  19. thank you so much!

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  20. You're very welcome.

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    Ms. Sue

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