Is it better now?
Anyone can give me some suggestions other than grammar problem. For example, ideas, etc.
Thank you so much!
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a Howard County event. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages ---- Chinese and English. Living in China for a long time made me familiar with Chinese culture. After studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State, since schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship to adjust the new environment when they first come here, so I can be assistance to them, at the same time, I can spread the idea of globalization to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.
Of course.... suggestions about grammar are also welcomed, thank you!
http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1164088764
Be sure you make ALL of the corrections I already indicated. I see that some weren't done, and they need to be.
The more specifics you can put in here, the better. You don't want to repeat things that the admissions people can learn from your application and your transcript, but you DO want to indicate what makes you different, special, etc. -- in other words, why should they admit you and not someone else with the same GPA and SAT scores!
Here's a good place to gather information for college admission essays, too:
http://www.collegeboard.com/student/apply/essay-skills/9406.html
Be sure to pay attention to what the collegeboard people have written about being specific.
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Oh yeah, Thank you!
I will revise it again.
If you don't mind, may I have your Email address? So I can send it to you, Thank you!
We don't deal in email addresses here. Please re-post your revised paragraph as you've been doing, and I'll read it over again.
Thanks.
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That's fine. This paragraph is very important to me, so your help means a lot! Thank you very much again.
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a Howard County event. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages ---- Chinese and English. Living in China for a long time made me familiar with Chinese culture. After studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State, since schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first come here, so I can be of assistance to them. At the same time, I can spread the idea of ___________ (I just want to find a word that can describe communicate, or contact with people from different culture) to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a Howard County eventIt would be better if you would be specific. What kind of "event"? I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages ----<~~only two hyphens needed to make a dash Chinese and English. LivingDid you only live there? Or were you born and raised there? in China for a long time made me familiar with Chinese culture. After studying in America for one year, I have been able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State,delete comma since schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first come hereWhere is "here"?, so I can be of assistance to them. At the same time, I can spread the idea of ___________ (I just want to find a word that can describe communicate, or contact with people from different culture)** to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.<~~This is all pretty broad and generic. A very specific example would be excellent. If you've already helped any newcomers to the US, you should relate one of those stories briefly.
**I think "multiculturalism" is a good word here. See the different definitions and explanations at answers.com:
http://www.answers.com/topic/multiculturalism
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Yeah...The Multiculturalism is very appropriate to my idea. What I worried was, is it sounds too teminological? Anyway, now I use it.
On the application form, there is only 9 lines that I can write this paragraph. I think only fit in about 100 words,so I do not know whether I can add some experience on it. I have another essay which needs 2-3 pages, maybe I can write something on it, but the point is, I did not have any experience helping others from other country, since the area I lived most of them are native people. Thus, in this paragraph, maybe I can only say something general. What do you think?
Here is the question,
Please choose one of the commitments that you listed above (activity, interest, or work experience) and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience in college.
Did I write the right things for the answer???
Here is my new paragraph:
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in Howard County Expo. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages -- Chinese and English. Was Born in China and lived there for a long time made me familiar with Chinese culture. After came to America and study here for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State since schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first come, so I can be of assistance to them. At the same time, I can spread the idea of multiculturalism to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.
Thank you for helping!
Your revised paragraph looks good! The addition of the specific event, the Howard County Expo, adds more detail and makes it more interesting. Also, using the word "multiculturalism" conveys your idea effectively.
Regarding the application question, you mentioned that you don't have any specific experience helping others from other countries. In that case, it's perfectly fine to write something more general. You can focus on the importance of being able to communicate effectively across cultures and the potential to assist international students in adjusting to the new environment.
Your new paragraph addresses the question well and highlights the relevant aspects of your experience. However, there are a few minor grammar and punctuation errors that you may want to correct:
"I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in Howard County Expo. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages - Chinese and English. Born in China and lived there for a long time made me familiar with Chinese culture. After coming to America and studying here for one year, I am finally able to adapt to the new culture. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State, as schools now have become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship in adjusting to the new environment when they first arrive, so I can be of assistance to them. At the same time, I can spread the idea of multiculturalism to the Penn State community and make it not only a university but also a world village."
Overall, your revised paragraph is clear, descriptive, and focused. Good luck with your application!