Please tell me how to write better for this short Paragraph on the collge application. Thank you very much.
Please choose one of the commitments that you listed above (activity, interest, or work experience) and provide a short description of its importance to you. Include why that commitment could be relevant to your student experience at college.
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a county event. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages. Living in China for a long time made me be familiar with Chinese culture. And after studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State, since schools now should become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship to adjust the new environment when they first come here, so I can be assistance to them, at the same time, I can spread the idea of globalization to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.
I found that mine is similar to the last post.....anyway...thank you for helping!
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a county event<~~name it. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages<~~name them. Living in China for a long time made me be<~~delete "be" familiar with Chinese culture. And<~~Sentences should not begin with coordinating conjunctions; either attach this sentence to the one before (and keep the word "and" or delete the word "and." after studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State, since schools now should<~~should? become? or have become? become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship to adjust<~~should be "hardships in adjusting to" the new environment when they first come here, so I can be add the word "of" assistance to them,<~~run-on here; put a period after "them" and a capital A on "at" at the same time, I can spread the idea of globalization<~~?? to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.
=)
Thank you!
To improve your paragraph on the college application, here are some suggested edits:
Original paragraph:
I was glad that I had an opportunity to be an interpreter in a county event. I feel lucky that I can speak two different languages. Living in China for a long time made me be familiar with Chinese culture. And after studying in America for one year, eventually I am able to adapt to the new culture, too. Therefore, I can bring this advantage to Penn State, since schools now should become more and more multicultural. Many students from other countries may face hardship to adjust the new environment when they first come here, so I can be assistance to them, at the same time, I can spread the idea of globalization to the Penn State community, and make it not only a university, but also a world village.
Revised paragraph:
I am grateful for the opportunity to serve as an interpreter at a county event, where I was able to use my bilingual skills in [insert name of event]. Having lived in China for an extended period, I am deeply familiar with Chinese culture. Additionally, my one-year experience studying in America has allowed me to adapt to new cultures. I believe this valuable global perspective makes me an asset to Penn State, an institution that strives for increasing multiculturalism. Given that many international students may face challenges in adjusting to a new environment, I am eager to offer my assistance. Furthermore, I aim to promote the idea of globalization within the Penn State community, transforming it into not only a university but also a global village.
Note: The revision provides more clarity, cohesion, and sophistication to your paragraph by addressing grammar errors, improving sentence structure, and enhancing the overall flow and coherence of your ideas.