English

Hi can you please help correct this paragraph or give me direction. Thankyou, the assignment is:
Your cousin has moved to your town and is looking for a job. Her previous experiences are working as a cashier and sales clerk at two department stores.You know she plans to apply at similar stores in your town. But you also know she is a perfect match for a job opening as a reliable assistant to your boss. You know she has the skills, though she doesn't think she is as capable as she is, and you're sure she'd be good at this job.
Your goal is to persuade your cousing to apply for the job. You e-mail her a paragraph explaining the specifics of the job and the reasons she should apply. You want to convince her that she has the job skills required. You'll use and informal tone, of course, but will take care to use correct business writing to show her that you take your recommendation seriously.

Hi Fran,
I wanted to check with you about the customer service job that I had mentioned to you earlier. “Are you still interested?” “I hope so!” “I know it’s the job for you, cousin!” These good jobs just don’t come available all the time. I really think you should consider applying for it. I had recommended you to my boss, Mr. Walker. I know from working with you before at “Macy’s”, how you have great people skills and are so courteous. I also had mentioned to Mr. Walker that you are really reliable and dependable. Working with you at Macy’s, I don’t ever remember you missing a day at work. This customer service position consists of taking orders on the phone, being courteous to customers, filling orders, then expediting them. This is a real nice office too, and of course working for Mr. Walker, you’ll be very fortunate, he’s a very nice man. The atmosphere here at “All Natural” is so relaxing. The people here are so friendly and easy to get along with. Everyone is a team player and I know you’ll fit in perfectly. The benefits are excellent too, you get medical, dental, and paid vacation. This is a really nice place to work, “so what are you waiting for?” “Get your application today, fill it out and give it to Mr. Walker personally, he’s waiting for it, ok!” “Well, I’ll talk to you later over lunch.”
Goodbye,
Cousin Linda

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  1. Get rid of all the quotation marks and make cohesive sentences. Then re-post.

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  2. Hi I rewrote is this better? thankyou for your imput I do appreciate it.

    Hi Fran,
    I wanted to check with you about the customer service job that I had mentioned to you earlier, are you still interested? I know it’s the job for you, cousin! These good jobs are very scarce, I really think you should consider applying for it. I had recommended you to my boss, Mr. Walker and I know from working with you before at Macy’s, how you have great people skills and you’re so courteous. I also had mentioned to Mr. Walker that you are really reliable and dependable. Working with you at Macy’s, I don’t ever remember you missing a day at work. This customer service position consists of taking orders on the phone, being courteous to customers, filling orders, then expediting them. This is a real nice office too, and working for Mr. Walker, you’ll be very happy he’s a very nice man. The atmosphere here at All Natural, is so relaxing and the people here are so friendly and I know you’ll fit in perfectly. The benefits are excellent too, you get medical, dental, and paid vacation. This is a really nice place to work, so what are you waiting for? Get your application today ok! Well, I’ll talk to you later over lunch.
    Goodbye,
    Cousin Linda

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  3. I have posted this in 2 different places. I get confused about what corrections I submit. sorry

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