English

Can you check this paragraph for me, please?
1) A few weeks ago my cousins had an incredible sequence of accidents; he wanted to make a coke for his mother but he couldn't reach the eggs and the flour that were in a very high part of his kitchen's furniture.
2) So he went on a chair but he suddenly fell off the chair and knocked over the eggs that broke on his head.
3) A bottle of oil that was near the eggs and was made of glass fell down too and knocked over his mobile phone that completely smashed with the bottle, whose oil fell onto the floor.
4) He only wanted to make a cake!

Thank you.

  1. 👍 0
  2. 👎 0
  3. 👁 69
asked by Franco
  1. 1) The word "cousins" should either be singular or you should say "one of my cousins".

    2) Did all of the eggs break on his head? Or did some break on the floor. I would recommend
    " and knocked over the eggs, (some of) which broke on his head.

    I would prefer shorter sentences with not so many conjunctions and clauses not separated by commas. That is a matter of style.

    3) Same comment about sentence length. It is better to end with "the bottle, which broke and spread (or spilled) oil all over the floor." One would expect the oil to fall with bottle.

    4) Nice ending!

    1. 👍 0
    2. 👎 0
    posted by drwls

Respond to this Question

First Name

Your Response

Similar Questions

  1. English

    Can you please check if the following sentences are possible? Thank you very much. 1) Have you been to/in the new supermarket? No, not yet. 2) I've driven your car twice. Or It's the second time I've driven it. 3) How long ago did

    asked by Franco on October 18, 2010
  2. english

    30-day Money Back Guarantee Groom Co. electric shavers come with a 30-day money back guarantee. The only stipulation is that you use your new exclusively for 2 weeks to become accustomed with the product. If you are not satisfied,

    asked by Joshua on September 27, 2015
  3. reading

    30-day Money Back Guarantee Groom Co. electric shavers come with a 30-day money back guarantee. The only stipulation is that you use your new exclusively for 2 weeks to become accustomed with the product. If you are not satisfied,

    asked by Joshua on September 27, 2015
  4. English

    1. What are you going to do for Chuseok? I am going to buy some gifts tonight and I will hand them to my cousins on/for Chuseok. (Can we use 'for' in Sentence 1 before Chuseok?) 2. What are you going to do on Chuseok? Three days

    asked by rfvv on September 16, 2013
  5. Psychology

    Eladio is a Mexican American boy who lives in a middle-class neighborhood with his family. Both his parents work outside the home. He has cousins who live in the inner city and whose household income is significantly lower. Based

    asked by Carmela on February 26, 2014
  6. Help

    Is the Grammarly plagiarism checker reliable? I put one of my short answers in there a while ago and it said that there was significant plagiarism. Now, about one-two weeks later, I put in the same paragraph and it is saying that

    asked by Anon on December 6, 2017
  7. Anthropology

    Does anyone know how to do a kinship diagram... that sorts out matrilateral cross cousins and patrilateral cross cousins and parallel cousins

    asked by Mike on March 10, 2008
  8. English

    Can you check if the following sentences are correct and tell me how I can make them less wordy? 1) She tripped over a Christmas light wire and sprained her ankle 2) There was a police car waiting for him for a traffic offence.

    asked by Franco on January 29, 2010
  9. FRENCH!

    Can someone check if my sentences for my story are written correctly.. (punctuation, word placings. everything..) 1. Cette semaine, j'ai regarde deux films. (This week, I watched two films.) 2.) L'un des films s'appelle Insurgent.

    asked by Gabs on June 14, 2015
  10. English

    Could you please check these other sentences, please? Thank you. 1) I’ve just been on holiday with my family. I’ve just gone on holiday with my family. 2) My nephews did some pirates’ games. If you have just come back from

    asked by Matthew on March 15, 2012

More Similar Questions