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Writing Sentences and paragraphs

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Paragraph 1

You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Here's what I have so far:
I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist I position at Jackson Transcription Services because of my love for research and thirst for knowledge. My passion for medical transcription arose due to a personal experience with a family member. This person has been given several different diagnoses for her condition. With each change in insurance came a different disease. These professionals provided no justifiable reason as to why their conclusion was correct, but prescribed additional medications every time. We decided to research each of the conditions only to discover how similar the symptoms were. The experience was very enlightening and provided great insight into the medical field. Until such time, I had no idea how interesting it could be. To most people, medical terms and diseases all seem so technical and hard to decipher. I am confident that my work as a medical transcriptionist will not only be clear, concise but also allow me to assist others in understanding the complex field of medicine.

  • Writing Sentences and paragraphs -

    Everything in your paragraph seems to be fine -- the writing is clear, grammar and usage are generally okay, progression of ideas through the paragraph is good.

    But that first sentence!! You need to clarify what "love for research and thirst for knowledge" have to do with medical transcription. Think about what the job entails. Does it involve any research and "thirst for knowledge"?

  • Writing Sentences and paragraphs -

    I agree totally with Writeacher. This seems to me to be the major idea of your paragraph. "allow me to assist others in understanding the complex field of medicine. " Your support is focused on that primarily. Perhaps you could restructure your first sentence in this direction.

  • Writing Sentences and paragraphs -

    Yes, it does involve medical research. I looked at several open job descriptions, however, I do agree that I can word it better. Thank you for the suggestion and for taking the time to review my work!

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