This is the assignment. What would you suggest your boss change in the following email message, and why? Would you consider this message to be audience centered? Why or why not? Revise the email so that it follows effective communication guidelines.
This is the email that my boss wrote.
"Wanted to welcome you ASAP to our little family here in the States. It's high time we shook hands in person and not just across the sea. I'm pleased as punch about getting to know you all, and I for one will do my level best to sell you on America."
This is how I rewrote it.
"I would like to welcome you all to our company our little family here in the United States. It has been far too long that we have been communicating with emails I think it is high time that we meet in person I would be more that honored to shake hands with you, and finally get this friendship started. I am looking forward to showing you around the United States as best I can with the time we have."
The email is not audience-centered because from the email's context, it seems like the new employee is foreign. He would be unlikely to understand phrases like "ASAP" and "pleased as punch." Also, the first sentence contains no subject, which may confuse him.
This is probably a little better...
I would like to welcome you all to our company, our "little family" here in the United States. It has been far too long that we have been communicating with emails. It is finally time that we meet in person. I would be more than honored to shake hands with you, so that we can begin a new friendship. I cannot wait to show you around the United States as best I can with the time we have. I look forward to our time together.
It seems that your boss's email message could benefit from some changes to improve its effectiveness and professionalism. Here's how I would suggest revising it:
"Dear [Recipient],
I wanted to extend a warm welcome to you and your team as you join our company here in the United States. It's been a pleasure communicating with you virtually, but I believe it's high time we have the opportunity to meet in person and strengthen our collaboration.
I am genuinely excited about the prospect of getting to know each of you and working together to achieve our shared goals. As part of this journey, I am committed to providing you with the best possible experience and support throughout your time in the United States.
Please let me know if there's anything I can assist you with or if you have any questions. I am looking forward to our in-person meeting and showing you around our beautiful country.
Best regards,
[Your Name]"
Reasoning for the changes:
1. Use a more formal and professional tone: The original message was quite informal and used colloquial expressions. By using a more formal tone, the revised email conveys professionalism and reflects the business environment.
2. Add a proper greeting and salutation: The revised email includes a polite greeting, addressing the recipient directly with a "Dear [Recipient]," which is more appropriate for professional communication.
3. Avoid slang and informal expressions: The original email contained informal expressions like "pleased as punch" and "sell you on America." These have been replaced with more professional and neutral phrasing to ensure the message is clear and easily understood.
4. Express enthusiasm and commitment: The revised email maintains a positive tone while expressing genuine excitement and commitment to building a successful working relationship. This helps to establish trust and goodwill with the recipients.
5. Offer assistance and invite questions: By offering assistance and encouraging any questions, the revised email demonstrates a willingness to support and assist the recipients.
Overall, the revised email adheres to effective communication guidelines as it conveys a more professional tone, keeps the audience in mind, and clearly communicates the intended message.
Here is a revised version of the email that follows effective communication guidelines:
"Subject: Welcome to our company in the United States!
Dear [Recipient's Name],
I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to personally welcome you to our company here in the United States. It is a pleasure to have you on board as part of our little family.
I believe that after all the communication we've had via email, it is now high time that we have the opportunity to meet face-to-face. I am eager to shake hands with each and every one of you and begin building a strong professional relationship.
During your time here, I will do my utmost to make your experience in America enjoyable and productive. If there's anything specific you would like to see or do while you're here, please let me know, and I will do my best to accommodate your requests.
Once again, welcome to our team! I am looking forward to meeting you all soon.
Best regards,
[Your Name]
[Your Position/Department]
[Company Name]"
Explanation:
1. The revised email uses a professional tone appropriate for a workplace setting, while still maintaining a warm and welcoming tone to create a friendly atmosphere.
2. The email starts with a subject line that clearly states the purpose and context of the message, making it easier for the recipient to identify and prioritize the email.
3. The salutation is addressed to the specific recipient, making the email more personalized and showing that they are valued as an individual.
4. The email acknowledges the previous communication via email and emphasizes the need for a face-to-face meeting.
5. It avoids colloquial expressions by replacing them with more formal alternatives.
6. The writer expresses their willingness to assist and accommodate the recipient's needs during their stay in the United States.
7. The closing includes a polite sign-off, as well as the writer's full name, position/department, and company name, providing essential contact information.
In terms of being audience-centered, the revised email is more focused on the needs and interests of the recipient. It addresses them directly, offers assistance, and requests input about their preferences and interests while they are in the United States. This demonstrates the writer's consideration for the recipient's perspective and preferences.