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Business Communication

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This is the assignment. What would you suggest your boss change in the following email message, and why? Would you consider this message to be audience centered? Why or why not? Revise the email so that it follows effective communication guidelines.

This is the email that my boss wrote.
"Wanted to welcome you ASAP to our little family here in the States. It's high time we shook hands in person and not just across the sea. I'm pleased as punch about getting to know you all, and I for one will do my level best to sell you on America."

This is how I rewrote it.
"I would like to welcome you all to our company our little family here in the United States. It has been far too long that we have been communicating with emails I think it is high time that we meet in person I would be more that honored to shake hands with you, and finally get this friendship started. I am looking forward to showing you around the United States as best I can with the time we have."

  • Business Communication -

    The email is not audience-centered because from the email's context, it seems like the new employee is foreign. He would be unlikely to understand phrases like "ASAP" and "pleased as punch." Also, the first sentence contains no subject, which may confuse him.

    This is probably a little better...
    I would like to welcome you all to our company, our "little family" here in the United States. It has been far too long that we have been communicating with emails. It is finally time that we meet in person. I would be more than honored to shake hands with you, so that we can begin a new friendship. I cannot wait to show you around the United States as best I can with the time we have. I look forward to our time together.

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