Can you please read my first paragraph for my cover letter. The writer had to identify self and purpose in the 1st paragraph. Can you please give me feedback and check my grammar? Thank you help is greatly appreciated

Your advertisement for any entry-level position as an assistant advisor,
on careerbuilder caught my attention instantaneously,when I was searching for hiring positions of interest. My background qualifies me for this job position. Please take into account my application while making your final decision. I am a first year college student with experience in a day care center as well as in parks and recreation for teenage children.

It's much too wordy. The employer doesn't care a hoot about your first sentence. In addition, you haven't made it clear (at least to me) that experience with children qualifies you to be an assistant advisor on career building.

Sure! I'd be happy to help you with your cover letter. Here is your first paragraph:

"Your advertisement for an entry-level position as an assistant advisor on CareerBuilder caught my attention instantaneously while I was searching for hiring positions of interest. I believe that my background qualifies me for this job position, and I kindly request you to take my application into consideration when making your final decision. As a first-year college student, I have gained valuable experience working at a daycare center and in parks and recreation for teenage children."

Here are a few suggestions for grammar and structure:

1. Instead of "any entry-level position," consider using "an entry-level position." This will make the sentence more specific.

2. Instead of "on careerbuilder," consider changing it to "on CareerBuilder." It's important to capitalize the platform name.

3. Change "instantaneously" to "immediately" for smoother flow.

4. Consider rephrasing the sentence "Please take into account my application while making your final decision." to something like "I kindly request you to take my application into consideration when making your final decision." This creates a more professional tone.

5. Specify that you have experience in a day care center "working" instead of just "experience." This adds clarity to your sentence.

6. Instead of "in parks and recreation for teenage children," consider rephrasing it as "in parks and recreation programs for teenagers." This provides more clarity and avoids ambiguity.

I hope these suggestions help! Let me know if you have any further questions or need additional assistance.