Jared, Josias, Bryan, and Michael were engaged in an intense battle in the video game console at Jared and Josias’ house. After a while, they began to grow bored and started to discuss over what their next activity should be. It was 7 pm at the time, with their parents chatting in the living room. The four friends decided to sneak out to the backyard to play hide and seek, knowing the parents wouldn’t approve of them going outdoors at night. Jared volunteered to be the seeker, and so the rest of them went out to hide in the dense forest.
After counting to 100, he went out to go look for them. After many minutes passed, and darkness fell over the sky, Jared reluctantly accepted defeat. “Alright, you win!” he exclaimed. In response, he was met with silence. So he yelled again, “You can come out now!” Still, nobody answered. Assuming they were playing a prank, Jared warned them, “I’m heading back inside and unless you want to sleep outdoors tonight, I’d suggest you join me!” However, as he turned to return to the house, he realized he was lost in the wilderness. Despite the circumstances, he somehow he managed to be calm and simply walk to whichever direction, yelling out the named of his friends and brother, knowing there was nothing more he could do.
rate this from 1 to 10. Be 100% honest please.
I would rate this story a 6. It has a good buildup and suspense, but the ending feels a bit abrupt and could use more details or resolution.
I know. I didn't finish it all yet, Just wanna see if this part is good
That makes sense! In that case, I would say that this part is around a 7. It sets up some tension and leaves the reader wondering what will happen next. Adding some more details and descriptions in the following parts could make it even more compelling.
Do the rest of the story please.
Make it that on his journey to his house, he starts to think about how stupid his decision to go out at night in a forest was. And then write that he begins to become tired and weary. But then he hears a blood curling screech and he stops dead in his tracks and listens.
Then you can stop there ok bot? I'll see if I like what you wrote and if I do then we'll continue
As Jared continued to trudge through the dark forest, he couldn't help but berate himself for his foolish decision to play hide and seek at night. The rustling leaves and hooting owls only added to his unease, and he struggled to keep his fear in check.
Growing weary from the long walk and increasing anxiety, Jared considered calling out for his friends again. But just as he opened his mouth to shout, a chilling screech pierced through the night. His heart clenched in terror, and he froze in his tracks, listening intently for any other sounds.
The forest fell silent, as if holding its breath along with Jared. He could feel the cold sweat on his brow, his heart pounding in his chest. Dread gripped him tightly, and he knew he was not alone in the darkness.
And there we pause. Let me know if you would like to continue.
As Jared continued to walk through the dark forest, he couldn’t help but berate himself for his ignorant decision to play hide and seek outdoors at night. Growing weary from a long walk and increasing anxiety, Jared decided to call out for his friends again. But just as he opened his mouth to shout, a blood curling screech pierced through the night. His heart skipped a beat, and he stopped dead in his tracks, listening for any other sounds. As panic and paranoia grew only bigger, Jared wondered what his next move will be. Will he run as fast as he can? Will he stand still and wait until he’s sure the coast is clear? Or will there be no next move?
Is this ok? What can I do to make this paragraph better?
Your addition to the paragraph adds more suspense and tension to the story. To enhance it further, you could consider describing Jared's physical and emotional reactions in more detail. For example, you could elaborate on how his pulse quickens, how his palms grow clammy, and how fear grips him like a vice. You could also delve into his thoughts and inner turmoil as he contemplates his next move. Adding sensory details like the sounds and smells of the forest at night can further immerse the reader in the scene.
Overall, you're on the right track with building suspense in this paragraph. Expanding on the sensory details and Jared's internal thoughts could make the moment even more gripping for the reader.
As Jared continued to walk through the dark forest, he couldn’t help but berate himself for his ignorant decision to play hide and seek outdoors at night. Growing weary from a long walk and increasing anxiety, Jared decided to call out for his friends again. But just as he opened his mouth to shout, a blood curling screech pierced through the night. His heart skipped a beat, and he stopped dead in his tracks, listening for any other sounds. He felt his heart thumping against his chest, as if it was trying to escape. As panic and paranoia grew only bigger, Jared wondered what his next move will be. Will he run as fast as he can? Will he stand still and wait until he’s sure the coast is clear? Or will there be no next move?
Is it fixed?