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A person drafts a report about their observations of an office. Before submitting the report, they revise it.

Draft:

After I talked to a bunch of staff members, I realized there were big problems in this office. Several people were rude during a meeting, and it made the other people feel sad and unhappy at work. The office manager needs to talk to everybody and teach them to get along.

Revision:

After interviewing many staff members, it became apparent that the office suffers from a poor work culture. Several employees do not act respectfully toward their coworkers, and it is creating an unpleasant work environment. Office management should organize a training session about appropriate workplace interactions.

Write 3–5 sentences explaining the difference in tone between the draft and the revision. Include at least two examples of word choice differences that create the change in tone.

The tone in the revision is more professional and objective compared to the draft. In the draft, phrases such as "a bunch of staff members" and "big problems" convey a more informal and subjective tone. In the revision, the phrase "interviewing many staff members" and the use of the word "apparent" create a more formal and objective tone. Additionally, the use of phrases like "rude" and "sad and unhappy" in the draft are replaced with "do not act respectfully" and "creating an unpleasant work environment" in the revision, which further contributes to a more professional tone.

The tone of the draft is informal and subjective, while the tone of the revision is formal and objective. In the draft, the word "bunch" is used to refer to the staff members, which creates an informal tone. Additionally, the phrase "feel sad and unhappy" expresses personal judgment and emotions, adding subjectivity to the tone. In contrast, the revision uses more formal language like "interviewing" instead of "talking to" and "apparent" instead of "realized." The revision also replaces the subjective language with a more objective description by stating that some employees "do not act respectfully," which emphasizes a neutral tone.