Is this better? Paragraph 1&2 Can my thesis statement stay the same even though we changed it slightly?
I awake very groggy, to find myself on this very remote island with not a person in sight. Attached to my shirt is a letter written by my English teacher Ms. Barlett stating that I was heading down the wrong path to a life of destruction, and this behavior needed to change. My mother had died a year ago, and Ms. Barlett a really kind hearted and devoted teacher knew this from several writing pieces that I had submitted online. She knew I was a young man in trouble, but it was this one particular writing that had alarmed her. It was at this moment that I realized the reason for having been sent to this whole new environment and now had to learn a new way of survival.
Somehow I found myself on a remote island known as the Isle of Mull off the west coast of Scotland. I began to investigate the environment around me with the magnificent mountain scenery, raised beaches, rich grasslands, beautiful flowering fuchsia, blue poppies and many more other wonderful plants. Walking on the soft beaches you could hear birds chirping and singing, and there was even a porpoise far off in the distance of the water. After several hours of exploring the land I realized that I was the only human on the island. I decided to head back to the spot where I had first begun, and there is where I discovered the suitcase.
English - Writeacher, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 8:40pm
This is fiction, right? The real Isle of Mull is quite different, and if your teacher knows that, this might be confusing!!
English - lizzie, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 8:41pm
Yes and no. I had to do research on an island. This was the information that I found. What is not accurate?
English - lizzie, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 8:48pm
I know. We had to make it that way. You are allowed to bring another person if you want, that's it.
English - Writeacher, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 8:50pm
Keep writing. =)
English - lizzie, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 9:02pm
Here is my 3rd paragraph. Thoughts?
Not sure how I was going to survive this ordeal I decided to open the suitcase hoping to find a cell phone. Upon opening the suitcase I found many of the items I once used in boy scouts, which was a few months before my mother’s death. The folding pocket knife, nylon twine, saw, axe, fishing kit, utensils, bucket, and of course the book ‘Survival, A Manual That Could Save Your Life” were all there, but no cell phone. These items were all going to be very valuable to me to survive this ordeal. It was at this moment I realized that I now had to somehow feed myself as well as look for a good place to create a shelter for the night.
English - Writeacher, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 9:05pm
Wordy, but OK.
English - lizzie, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 9:22pm
Think? I only have the conclusion to write.
After about an hour of searching for a place to build my shelter, I was able to find a spot that had a slight overhang of rock to help protect me from the rain and wind. I knew that I needed to collect enough branches and leaves to protect me from the elements of nightfall. I then set out to look for fresh water to drink and ways to obtain food to eat. Not knowing how long I was going to be stranded on this island, I needed to make sure that I had all of these things in place before nightfall. Alone, scared and not sure of how I would survive, I began to reflect on my life experiences.
English - Writeacher, Monday, August 8, 2011 at 9:28pm