Posted by Angelina on Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 2:27am.
"high school, however, I did" -- use a semicolon before "however"
"at eighteen and I unfortunately" -- use a comma after "eighteen" and put "unfortunately" right after "and"
"Although, I did pay my credit card off my credit is" -- move that comma so it's after "off"
again -- semicolon before "however" in the next sentence
Your topic sentence is correctly identified, and if by "clincher" you mean the conclusion, then that's correct, too. In your last sentence, though, I'd use "standing" (no -s) and I'd rephrase the last 6 words so they make sense. You don't want good credit so you can get an emergency, do you?? You want good credit soul you can get a loan (a loan for an emergency, perhaps).
Otherwise, nice job.
"so" (not "soul")!!
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