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english

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I believe the gramatical errors in the following passage consist of mainly repeated usage of the word individduals and comma usage. Correct me if I am wrong.

Individuals can be denied credit for a number of reasons. Individuals who are near limits on existing cards, have too much outstanding debt or too many accounts overall, have a history of late payments, charge-offs or bankruptcy are likely to be denied credit. Individuals denied credit, by law, will receive a letter documenting the reason for the denial under the Fair Credit Reporting Act. Individuals who receive that letter should then examine the reasons for the denial and make efforts to correct their credit.

  • English -

    ... and an excessively long sentence #2!!

    I agree -- and are you supposed to fix this?

  • english -

    NO I am to compare this with another paragraph, and Identify which paragraph was more effective and analyze why this is so. However I am looking for the mistakes in each.

    The following is the comparison and it is very confusing. The body does not follow the topic, and I have to list the errors in this one as well.

    Most consumers understand that a good credit score is vital to one’s financial security and stability. Many people may not understand how a credit score is calculated. Payment history accounts for roughly 35% of one’s overall score. This means that on-time payments are absolutely essential. Debt level is not far behind at 30%. This accounts for near-limits and the total amount of money owed. Length of credit history is next at 15%, followed by inquiries at 10% and mix of credit at 10%

  • English -

    Wow, that's rough. They're both pretty awful!!

    The second one is slightly better. It does have a main idea (second sentence), and the other sentences are explaining that one, although not smoothly. The first sentence ... I don't know what to do with that unless it's combined with the second.

    What do you think?

  • english -

    I think your right. However, it is very confusing in the end. LOL.

  • English -

    It is confusing, that's for sure!

    I'd say that whichever choice you make will be fine IF you explain everything well.

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