posted by Jessie on .
Can somebody help to grade this essay? Many thanks!!
Assignment: Do we expect too much from public figures?
Public figures have always been an object of fascination for many. From movie stars to pop stars, business tycoons to politicians in power, they have the power to command people¡¯s attention. They stir a frenzy wherever they go; their latest exploits and foibles often become fodder for the next day¡¯s tabloids. They are followed and stalked by paparazzi; imitated and idolised by star struck teenagers. They are under the constant watch of the public gaze. Invariably, when they are caught acting without propriety or committing offences, the public cries foul and censures them harshly. Surely, public figures are just humans like you and me with their own shortfalls and flaws. So, are we expecting too much from them? In my opinion, we are not. Public figures have the duty to lead and inspire.
Angelia Jolie and Brad Bitt have made generous donations to helping the third world and developing countries. Equally, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have setup a foundation to helping the poor. Their stories have inspired many to contribute to philanthropy.
Personally, I am much inspired by the example of Li Lianjie in China. Li Lianjie had won the martial arts junior championship in China for five consecutive years since the age of eleven. He then went into movie making and starred in a number of box office hits which helped popularize Chinese martial arts. Now, in his prime, he devotes much of his time and energy to philanthropy in China. In one of his speeches on national TV, he said, ¡°Children, do you know why you have two legs and two hands?.... Well, remember, one is to help yourself, and one is for you to help your country. To make your country a better place; to give your country fellows a better life. This is why you need to do your best to make the world a better place.¡± His uplifting speech moved many and his example inspired a nation.
I believe public figures are in a unique position to lead the young and influence the old. They can make a huge impact and inspire many. They should be the stewards of good old values and the standard bearers of virtuous morals. They are endowed with the golden opportunity to influence the mass and champion many a good cause. When we hold them to a high standard, we are not expecting too much from them.
Overall, 3. The introduction was weak and disjointed. THe second paragraph seems to have no relation to the writing prompt. The conclusion paragraph would have been stronger if the "I believe.." was removed, and you just stated that "Public figures..
The second paragraph would have been strengthened by removing "Personally,.."
The essay could be strengthened by developing the idea in the prompt: Our expectations. I only find two brief mentions of "our" expectations. What are we expecting of them?
Hi Bob, thank you so much for your very useful and honest feedback. Can you give me more pointers on how I could have developed a stronger essay? How do you think I should have approached the essay?
Jessie, the essay wanted you to write on whether you think we people expect too much from public figures. I'm guessing it has to with social change.
You, on the other hand, ended up writing obvious things like celebs are cool, wanted, and hip, which is something we all know already, right? Your example of "Li Lianjie" is also not relevant. You say he inspires you, but that is not the question. If you don't see this much clearly, it's going to be very difficult to help you.