Thank you for anyone that helps me about my college application.
(Thank you for your suggestions, Writeacher, I re-writed my paragraph.)
In the space provided below, please describe which of these activities has had the most meaning for you, and why.
I was elected as the president of the class of 2007 in high school. My job was to supervise students as they participated in school and community activities and to coordinate teachers that give students academic helps. I organized the 2005 New Year¡¯s Overnight Carnival and assisted members of my class to participate in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sports Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a strong friendship between students in my high school and the Children in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, I have successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help for many students who were struggling in their schoolwork. As president, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I developed this skill in high school that will be helpful for me when I go to college. I contacted with many people and listened to many opinions when I was a president. I found that listening can provide a good leadership. So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college. In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions. Listening means thinking, since I can analysis what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from others speeches. College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world.
I find it to be too general, and too disorganized. The length seems a bit long, but may fit some word limit that was imposed. There are some grammatical errors. A structure of paragraphs, one per activity, would help. The language is awkward in places. It does not address the questions "which and why" at the top. Is that something you were supposed to do or you want someone else to do?
Those are my opinions. I think they would be shared by some members of an admissions committee. I am hoping that one of our writing teachers will also respond with more specific suggestions.
Thank you...So, what specific part I need to rewrite? Since the due day is tomorrow...Your help will be meaningful for me.
Here are some specific suggestions. You decide if you want to make them or not, and then go with what you have. The admissions committee should make some allowances for your possible unfamiliarity with English, and recognize your potential and willingness to work hard.
Eliminate the following sentences, which are too general or (in the first case) somewhat dubious:
=====================================
Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person.
I am glad that I developed this skill in high school that will be helpful for me when I go to college.
So, being a good listener is an important skill to survive in a college.
In classes, I listen to professor; when communicate with classmates, I listen to their opinions.
College is a place where I prepare myself for this small community and in future for the larger world.
===========================
Change the following sentences as indicated, or something similar. i changed some words and/or punctuation
===========================
I found that listening is essential to good leadership.
Listening means thinking, since I can analyze what others think; listening means speaking, in order to let people listen to me, I should be a good listener first; listening means learning, since I can learn from what others say.
===============================
Good luck!
Thank you!
To improve your college application paragraph, you can focus on addressing the specific question asked, which is to describe which activity has had the most meaning for you and why. Here's a revised version of your paragraph:
"I would like to highlight my experience as the president of the class of 2007 in high school as the activity that has had the most meaning for me. As the president, I had the opportunity to supervise students' participation in school and community activities and coordinate academic support from teachers. One event that I organized was the 2005 New Year’s Overnight Carnival, which brought the entire school community together and created a memorable experience for everyone involved. Additionally, I assisted my class members in participating in various events such as the High School Art Festival, Sports Meeting, Debate Contest, and Fashion Show.
However, what truly made this activity meaningful to me was the strong friendship I established between students at my high school and the children at Laurel Orphanage. This connection allowed us to collaborate on various charitable initiatives and make a positive impact in our community. Furthermore, I successfully coordinated with teachers to develop a Night Classes program, providing additional academic help to struggling students.
Through my role as the class president, I have enhanced my leadership skills. I have come to realize that listening is essential to effective leadership. By actively listening to the opinions and feedback of others, I was able to make informed decisions that benefited the entire class. This experience has taught me the value of being a good listener, which I believe is crucial for success in college.
In conclusion, my experience as class president has been the most meaningful activity for me due to the opportunities it provided to lead, organize events, establish connections, and develop essential skills. I am excited to continue honing my leadership abilities and making a positive impact in college and beyond."
Remember to proofread your revised paragraph for any grammatical errors. Good luck with your college application!