Please track the errors by editing this passage of writing. This is an exercise for my English homework. I have made a couple of changes or editing to the writing piece already, but I am not sure if there are more editing that needs to be made. Also, please evaluate the writing, grammar, style as well as content for this piece. Thanks!
**The brackets indicate the changes that I have made**.
Writing Piece:
The Alberta oil sands are being developed at an unprecedented rate for oil extraction. Consequently(,) there is a great deal of environmental degradation, habitat fragmentation and negative impacts to both wildlife populations and human health. These impacts include heavy metal toxicity, such as mercury in fish, human and other trophic level feeders through bioaccumulation. Arsenic, copper, lead and there(their) compounds are contaminants of concern. Organic contaminants include PAHs and other persistent organic pollutants. Metabolized aromatic hydrocarbons are especially a concern for human health. Air emissions are concerning (about) as a toxic release caused several school children from a local school to seek medical treatment from acute affectseffects of NOx and SOx. Additional concerns include hydrology and terrain changes to the landscape resulting in severe population declines for both muskrat and the Species at Risk woodland caribou. This environmental concern should be addressed through legislative (law) changes, and enforcement to the Species at Risk Act, and the Environmental Protection and Clean Water Acts.
Work on your other post first. Pay attention to the same kinds of things I pointed out there.
Alright, please check my other post to see my responses :)
I'm done working on my first post. Let's work on this post please?
I would change the word "impact" or "impacts" to "effect" or "effects." I know "impact" is being used all over the place to mean something other than a physical hit (violence), but it still sounds bad to me. The word "effect" or "effects" makes much more accurate sense.
What else do you HEAR when you read this aloud? Any place you stumble as you read it aloud (or ask someone else to read it to you) needs fixing!
I think "concern" is word that is also all over the place.
Was there any spelling or grammar mistakes in this writing piece?
This sentence needs to be paraphrased:
This environmental concern should be addressed through legislative (law) changes, and enforcement to the Species at Risk Act, and the Environmental Protection and Clean Water Acts. There is alot of "and" used here.
This sentence needs smoothing out:
Air emissions are concerning (about) as a toxic release caused ...
It'd read better if you wrote this: Air emissions are troubling because, for example, a toxic release caused ...
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This sentence doesn't make sense to me:
These impacts include heavy metal toxicity, such as mercury in fish, human and other trophic level feeders through bioaccumulation.
I think someone started writing a series and got the first two parts parallel, but then it all falls apart. Or does it simply need "and" in there in place of the comma after "fish"?
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Here's my suggestion for the paraphrase:
This environmental concern should be addressed legislatively, along with better enforcement of the Species at Risk Act, the Environmental Protection Act, and the Clean Water Act.
Thankyou so much Writeacher!
Please let me know if you see any other spelling or grammar errors.