Please grade this and make corrections.
ACT writing prompt:
The Children's Internet Protection ACT (CIPA) requires all school libraries receiving certain federal funds to install and use blocking software to prevent students from viewing material considered "harmful to minors." However, some studies conclude that blocking software in schools damage educational opportunities for students, both by blocking access to web pages that are directly related to the statemandated curriculums and by restricting broader inquiries of both students and teachers. In your view, should the schools block access to certain Internet websites?
Essay
School libraries are required to block software to prevent students from being exposed to the media. Studies show that this can hamper educational opportunities for students. It is necessary to block access to certain Internet websites. In that way, students are not influenced by media. In addition, they are safer and tend to be more focused in schoolwork.
People who conducted a research on how blocking software affect students' learning opportunities, disagree that the school should block access to certain websites. They think that this deprives students from learning certain topics. They may be true, but this is not important as other consideration. It is more important to be safe than to explore certain topics. There are many resources to use,and the computer is not the only mean through which information is gained. Students have access to books, encyclopedias, and the almanac. There is no need to go on the computer. In fact, certain books contain more in depth information than the computer contains. Learning certain topics is not limited to the computer. Hence, it is insufficient to say that blocking software is not important.
Though computers offer many resources, most of them contain media that are inappropriate. Blocking access to certain websites is essential. Such media influences include beer, wine, clubs, ography,and violence. It is the school's responsibility to keep the school's environment from being defiled. Students are at school to learn and earn an education, not to learn the negative influences that the media produces. Thus, blocking access to certain websites helps keep both the school and students "clean".
It is extremely dangerous for students to access websites that contain chat rooms. The school must restrict students' access by installing a blocking program. Students risk becoming kidnapped when chatting with strangers. Not only that, but some may even give their personal information. Chatting with strangers is precarious and can lead to more intricate dilemmas. For instance, if a student is found missing during school,parents will blame the school because it has responsibility for its students while they are on campus. The school, the student, and the parents are all affected due to the student chatting with strangers. For this reason, schools should install programs that restrict students' access to certain websites.
School libraries contain computers so students can use for school-related work. Unfortunately, students tend to take advantage of them and use them for non-related schoolwork. Therefore, a system of blockage must be employed. Most of the faculties want students to stay focus in school. With access to any websites they want, they are digressing themselves from education. Some of the distractions include facebook,games,and other non-educational sites. The blockage system does not harm the students, but it definitely benefit them.
I'd give this paper a 3. Sorry.
School libraries are required to block software to prevent students from being exposed to the media. Studies show that this can hamper educational opportunities for students.
"this" = what? the blocking of software? or the media? You need to clarify what "this" refers to.
There also needs to be a transition of some kind between these two sentences. Are you setting up a contrast? Or are you setting up a continuation of the previous thought? It's not at all clear.
conducted a research -- delete "a"
opportunities, disagree -- delete the comma; there should not be any single-use comma between a subject and its verb.
that this deprives students -- the unclear "this" again!
Students have access to books, encyclopedias, and the almanac. How many libraries do you think have UP-TO-DATE encyclopedias, etc., in print? And same question with almanacs?
And that's only 1/3rd of the way through the paper.
Overall the content is rather fuzzy to me. Sometimes I think you're for the use of blocking software in libraries; but at other times, I'm not sure.
I think you need to be much more specific. Exactly WHAT kinds of websites should or should not be blocked in school libraries? Simply to say libraries should use blocking software to shield kids from the media is not specific enough. What kind of media? News? Social? ? What?
Overall, your essay makes a clear argument in favor of blocking certain Internet websites in school libraries. However, there are a few areas where you can improve the structure, language, and clarity of your essay. Here are some suggestions to help you make corrections and enhance your grade:
1. Introduction:
- Your introduction lacks clarity and a strong thesis statement. Clearly state your position on whether schools should block access to certain Internet websites.
- Reword your first sentence to make it more specific and engaging.
2. Body paragraphs:
- Each of your body paragraphs should start with a clear topic sentence that supports your thesis statement.
- Expand on your points by providing specific examples or evidence to support your claims.
- Use transition words or phrases to enhance the flow between your ideas.
3. Counterargument:
- Acknowledge and address the counterargument that some may argue against blocking certain websites in schools. Present your rebuttal with clear reasoning and evidence.
- Avoid using phrases such as "they may be true" or "but this is not important." Instead, provide stronger counterarguments.
4. Language and expression:
- Use more formal and academic language throughout the essay.
- Avoid using personal pronouns, as it weakens the argument.
- Vary your sentence structure and use more complex sentences to showcase your writing skills.
5. Conclusion:
- Restate your thesis statement and summarize your main points.
- Provide a stronger ending that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.
By making these corrections, you can improve the structure, coherence, and persuasive power of your essay, resulting in a higher grade. Remember to pay attention to grammar, punctuation, and spelling as well. Good luck!